Friends and fellow citizens of Scottsdale, I come to you this evening with dire news.
We are under attack.
Repeat, we are under attack!
It is no secret that the past 48 hours have been highly irregular in our desert town. Scottsdale residents are confused by a strange presence in the atmosphere. Reports of unidentified objects of unusual shape in our airspace that blot out the sun.
Well, today, our worst suspicions have been confirmed. It gives me no pleasure to inform our listeners that powers unknown have unleashed a particularly vile weapon upon the greater Phoenix area by something scientists have given the name of ... "PRECIPITATION."
Now, folks, please remain calm. I urge you to take a deep breath and maintain your composure. Focus on the sound of my voice.
According to my sources, "PRECIPITATION" is any product of the condensation of atmospheric water vapor that is deposited on the earth's surface. It occurs when the atmosphere (being a large gaseous solution) becomes saturated with water vapour and the water condenses and falls out of solution (i.e., precipitates).[1] Air becomes saturated via two processes, cooling and adding moisture.
Precipitation that reaches the surface of the earth can occur in many different forms, including rain, freezing rain, drizzle, snow, sleet, and hail. (1)
The station weatherman just got off the phone with a meteorologist in Seattle. I am told that the exact form of "PRECIPITATION" that we are dealing with is something called "RAIN."
You have no doubt noticed the watery droplets that have fallen from the sky these past 48 traumatic hours. This is rain. Rain is apparently dispersed from a mothership known as a "CLOUD." These are the strange objects in the sky which have kidnapped the sun.
The intentions of these clouds and their rain is unknown, but we can only assume the worst at this point. Will there be a ransom demand for the return of the sun? Does this rain cause long term health affects such as depression, moodiness and grunge rock? We simply do not have any answers at this time.
My fellow Arizonans, we stand on the edge of a great precipice today. We do not know what tomorrow holds, but there are some very important things you need to know in the short term.
Keep your wits about you, and together we can get through this, my friends. This is Paul Slaybaugh, signing off for what I hope is not the last time.
Good night, and good luck.
While not your source for local weather, Paul Slaybaugh is your source for Scottsdale AZ Real Estate. Selling Scottsdale with a smile since 1999. For all of your Scottsdale, Phoenix and Paradise Valley Real Estate needs, call Paul today!
(1) Wikipedia
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Scottsdale, Phoenix and Paradise Valley AZ Real Estate. A Slaybaugh family tradition since 1974! We haven't sold every home in the Valley, but we're working on it!
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Oh Paul, this hurts! I beg you... don't write this kind of comedy at this hour of the night. But if you do find yourself needing a little grunge rock primer, you know you have a friend in the rainstorm!
Paul - As usual, thanks for the laugh. I hope you make it through this "RAIN" and come back to the Rain. I am headed over to check out your response on the 80's post now.
I know where to turn for good music, that's for sure, Jennifer. Didn't mean to cause physical pain, but I did intend to elicit laughs, so I'll consider it a bonus! You would laugh as you watched all of the locals running around like the earth was at its end because of a little rain. And yes, I include myself in that group.
Jason: I think you just might enjoy the comment I left for you there. Thanks for reading this one.
Paul, I love this post! I'm laughing so hard, my side hurts!!! I lived in Scottsdale for 7 years and know exactly what you're talking about!!! I sure did love living there.
I have family in Tonto Verde and when they said it was cold, I could not believe it....
Paul, I'm sure that you are on STORMWATCH, a familiar term to those of us in L.A. We go into STORMWATCH whenever our dopplers sense the approach of the motherships. It is wise to activate STORMWATCH as it causes the rest of the country to break into great peals of laughter that seems to repel the motherships and cause a great wind to come to immediately dry up any residual mist. Be careful out there! Watch out for soggy news reporters.
Paul - this is hysterical. I'm mailing it friends here in draught ridden Georgia! I wouldn't want them to worry if/when we get a pit of the wet stuff over here!
Paul, We had that strange stuff in Vegas last week. We learned that those blades that sit idly on our windshield for months at a time, don't always work too good when you decide to use them. In fact, when we turned them on, a clip came off and we almost lost the drivers side blade. I think we'll be ready for the next time that the precipitation decides to visit us!
Paul - I have taken cover and have my toes all bundled and don't get this ""PRECIPITATION" stuff. It's been nice to not have to water plants for a week or more, but it's not a good thing for my little doggies who don't get the rain. It's raining on their parade (outdoor time). Funny post and I wonder how many have been caught with dried up windshield wipers...sounds like a few. You are one funny, creative writer. Keep it coming!!
OK Orson Wells, what are you trying to do? Cause mass hysteria or what?
In a conversation earlier today, I was asked what I did over the weekend. You know the answer, ‘nothing, it was raining out’.
This is pretty funny. You and Andrew could write a book.
Oh, and the windshield wipers are dried up.
The only thing worse than those motherships is when they make their way over to Southern Caifornia traffic! At that point, its over; all over. We quit, we stay home, we do anything to avoid going out there......
I as reading it in all seriousness, too. Clever, funny. A little drizzle will clear up the atmosphere, pretty sunsets this week.
Paul - This was a riot! Kind of reminds me of what happens here during the first snow storm of the year. Evidently there is some unwritten rule that during the first snow storm you can only drive 3 miles per hour and must hit your brakes every 5 seconds.
Paul, this was hilarious. Your fellow Scottsdale residents will appreciate the briefing. Having grown up in Boston where we went to school despite 2 feet of snow (do you know that term?), this post reminds me of the reaction that people in the D.C. area have when a winter storm is imminent.
Paul, LOL! So I should guess that it's been a little dry there for a while - huh!?! I love it when it rains here after not doing so for a while and it appears that people just forget how to freakin' drive. Geez!!
Thanks for the laugh. I know just what you are talking about. (Lived in the Valley for years! )
Paul ~ You are too funny! Great post and it put a smile on my face this morning! Folklore has it that you can chant "Rain, rain go away, come again some other day".
Paul, I love the BLOG. The humor is great. BTW, if Scottsdale does not mind, can you send it our way.
Sun? What is sun? Rain, snow, sleet & freezing rain I've heard of...but sun?
Wuss...you want me to loan you a boat just in case :)
Judi: Scottsdale misses all former residents. Be sure to come back and visit sometime.
Courtney: Tonto Verde actually does get chilly. Of course, take that with a grain of salt. I am a Phoenician after all.
Elaine: Funny you should mention STORMWATCH. Last year, during a typical summer monsoon storm, Wolf Blitzer actually spotlighted Scottsdale in a midday "Situation Room" report. They were jumping up and down about flooding. It was hilarious. They cut to images of streets flooding. Of course, what they didn't realize that the streets that were closed were part of an area called the Indian Bend Wash in the South end of the planned community of McCormick Ranch. IT IS DESIGNED AS A FLOOD WATER RUNOFF AREA! Every time it rains, a few of these streets are washed out! We were laughing at the incompetence of the national news media for weeks. Now when I was a kid, I would take my canoe out on the McCormick Ranch Golf Course when it would be overrun with water. Those were good times.
Nancy: It's been a long time coming for us as well. We have been in need of a good soaking. Glad it gave you a chuckle.
Roberta: Funny you mention that. My wipers are all dry and cracked. By turning them on, all I basically accomplished was to scrape the glass with metal!
Candace: I fessed to Roberta tobeing one of those people. You just don't ever expect it when we get about 320 days of sunshine. It is funny how we all just hunker down and wait for the big "storm" to pass before resuming daily activities, isn't it?
Doreen: I was wondering who was going to be first to pick up on the Orson Wells riff. Your wipers, too huh?
Bill: Sounds like our cities are very similar. We do sun. We do not do rain.
We want our mothership BACK! We are in a serious drought here and need the mothership and all her mysterious powers! This is too funny, same thing happens here in Atlanta is we get a few snowflakes (of course it is 70+ degrees today, now repeat after me class, "Hello Global Warming")!
Chris: Our sunsets are always gorgeous, but they will have that little something extra for sure. Didn't you do a post about the national media screwing up flood reports in your area a while back? I just thought of it in one of my previous comments, because I think I might have related the same story on your thread.
Sandra: It's one of two things here. Either people drive 4 miles per hour out of extreme anxiety, or they completely disregard the rain entirely and proceed to drive 80. Probably why I always see fender benders when it does rain here. Saw two yesterday, in fact.
Brian: Snow, hmmm ... no doesn't ring a bell. No, wait. Didn't he sing that song "Informer?" I'll call my sources in Colorado.
Marc: Very true. We just don't have any practice at it. Even the residents who moved here from wetter regions fall victim to the lack of practice. I must admit that I actively sought out the largest puddles when in high school. Nothing makes a wall of water like a V-8 GMC at 50 MPH. To all of the unfortunate bystanders, my apologies. I was laughing with you, I swear.
Deb: Another former Valley denizen? Was it all of the rain that chased you away ;)
Kathy: I will pass that chant along through the appropriate channels. We are still looking into who is responsible for performing an unauthorized rain dance.
Danny: Sorry, my man. We are greedily lapping up every drop of rain that we get. It's been a long time coming.
Kelly: Come on out and I'll show you what the sun looks like in all of its winter splendor. Just not today.
Lisa: I've got my canoe ready just in case the greenbelt gets enough flood runoff. It's not looking likely, though. Ho-hum.
Andrew: I thought we were buddies. I thought we were simpatico. Did you really just drop the "politician" bomb on me? Why not just come over to my house and slap the family around while you're at it?
Rich: The mothership appears to be leaving our airspace, so maybe you're next. By the way, everyone knows that global warming is a myth, just like gravity and Arsenio Hall.
Paul, Totally understand! That was like being up north and driving around in the snow doing 360's. OK folks, so I was younger once!
Marc: Now that sounds like fun. I can assure you that the 360s I have pulled in inclement weather have been purely unintentional.
Lenza: Lincoln works for me. I've been dying for an excuse to bring back the top hat anyway.
That was too much! Same thing happens here any time the temp falls below 32 and rain is in the 7 day forecast. The "Countdown to the Storm" begins. It's goofy and I am right there with it because in Texas, we sure love our snow days!
Amanda, I actually went to TCU, so I've been in Fort Worth for your winters. To give you an idea of the level of sissiness we Scottsdale folk have for inclement weather, I absolutely froze my tuckus off during the fall of my freshman year. Marched straight into the student book store and bought hundreds of dollars worth of warmer gear. My folks were thrilled to get that bill, but such is the burden of raising a child in the desert!
Paul- This is so funny, I was laughing all the way through it. Since I have been to Arizona and my brother lived there for awhile I understand this joking. You are so humorous. What a great talent you have to make people laugh. Katerina
Paul - We, too have been "under siege" recently and I love it. It's a necessary blessing here.
Thats GREAT! Funny. So what would happen if it ever snowed? Talk about mass-hysteria! OMG!
LOL! I'm coming down there this weekend, and I'm hoping the sun comes back! It's 20 degrees and snowy here!
Paul,
You are freaking HILARIOUS!!!! I will tell you that slowing down to 6 miles an hour will continue to happen even after said "rain" falls every day for decades. People in Seattle still have no idea how to drive in the rain, it's unbelievable.
LOL
That was a good laugh. I may have to print that out for some recent transplants to soggy OlyTown from Phoenix.
Slaybaugh - (Are you still alive?)
Sardi: (Gargling) ... Medic! Medic! I need a blow dryer and dry socks, STAT!
Sarah: They are not going to know what hit'em up there!
Bob: That actually surprises me. I figured that you guys would drive through rain like it was the rays of the sun. Seriously, what I want to see is how Seattle drivers handle sunshine. I can just see all of the pileups as they shield their eyes from the glare. I'm guessing that you are also accustomed to treating the steering wheel like a rudder, where you turn that sucker about half a block before the tires actually grip enough pavement to slowly turn the vehicle. In dry weather, why do I picture people easing into their mid-block turning procedures, only to find instant traction, immediately skip the curb and plow through a gaggle storefront window mannequins? Driving on a dry surface for you guys must be like ice skating on concrete! Glad you enjoyed this, Bob. It was fun to write.
Chrissy: The weather is back to normal. All is right in our world. Come on down with shorts, t-shirt and a winning smile! Let me know if you need any recommendations for food, drink and whatnot.
Tom: You and us both! This was a long time coming.
Katerina: Thank you for always having such positive things to say about my blog. I love to entertain, so I'll keep at it as long as you are enjoying it!