Home buying can be a traumatic, anxiety-provoking experience these days, especially for first time home buyers in tough markets, and with the number of short sales/ foreclosures and bank-owned properties that available, since for some buyers this is all they can afford.
Coping with the vagaries of the home purchase process is often a major task for buyers, sellers, AND their agents. Experience helps, but does not eliminate the possibilities of trying times. As they say, if something can go wrong it will...Murphy’s Law.
We are often in a position of needing to hand-hold, comfort, encourage, empathize, sympathize, calm, and much more. Some folks in our business are adept at doing so and willing to, others are not so clued in. We really don’t much of a choice, since issues come up and if we are truly representing our clients, we need to be involved, take action, get answers and decisions, and assist our clients through the process. That may include providing a bit of therapy.
Are you really qualified to be a therapist for your clients?
Can you truly assist them through the trying times, listen to their concerns and feelings, and enable them to move along as opposed to becoming stagnated at the first sign of trouble?
Can you be honest with them and tell them the truth even when it hurts? Or do you find that this makes you uncomfortable?
You avoid it, don’t want to do it, or ignore it completely. Do your clients reach out and find you aren’t there to help, physically or emotionally? Do you resent the role you must play at times? Do you tell clients what you think they want to hear, or skirt about the issues to avoid conflict?
Are you able to be diplomatic and tactful, or is that foreign to your style?
Consider the buying transaction for a moment. It is a time of big decisions, high emotions, anxiety, and a host of other stressors. Lots of money is a stake, people disagree, problems arise unexpectedly, folks get told no when they want to hear yes, and so on. No wonder so many buyers feel like they need therapy. Add in the craziness of short sales, foreclosures or REOs with the lack of decision, progress, and any semblance of a “normal” transaction and you are sure to find buyers who will feel that drinking and drugs are a good alternative.
Here’s where you step in, provided you are well suited to the task. Not everyone is, despite what they might think.
Are these not potentially similar situations to what we might encounter with our buyers in difficult times?
Admittedly there are some buyers (and sellers, and agents) who really do need true therapy. Better they should get it from someone else.
That being said, here are some thoughts on how to best help our client’s through these stressful times:
I’m sure that’s not all that might be important, but there’s some food for thought.
This is not to say that we can, or should, help all clients. Some have issues that we cannot solve, or situations that can jeopardize us legally or in terms of our reputation. Knowing when to let go is also something a good therapist may have to do from time to time.
Come sit on my couch...let's talk.
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Lisa - sometimes that seems to be the primary hat when things get really tough for our clients.
Jeff
Great post, especially the part about setting boundaries. The best therapists know not to get too emotionally involved. In fact, stepping outside and looking at a situation professionally as the third party is the reason why we are hired. It is our job to listen, assess and act accordingly to a situation. If we become too emotional we might end up letting down our clients instead of guiding them in the right direction. It is very easy to become friends with our clients, but in the end we have to remain professionals until the transaction is completed successfully.
Yep...I believe I am a bonified therapist. Maybe now my title should be Baby Boomer Real Esatate Therapist. (instead of specialist) I've sure put in the hours for a degree.
Just the other day, another agent and I were discussing exactly this. How true!
Yep, you're right - but, who is counseling the banks??? They need help to make timely decisions
Congrats on the Featured Post! I agree that we must listen, listen, and be attentive.... I also agree with Lizette above....we should have all earned our hours for the degree/designation. Have a great week!
As a full time agent I wear many hats, salesman, therapist, advisor, and part time ninja!
Great article!
Jeff-
About 2 years ago a client of my gave me an article from the New York Times titled "My Broker, My Therapist." The situations in the article were amazing, and some gave me a good chuckle. However, having a clinical masters in Social Work often comes in handy. I have friends and colleagues who ask why I left Social Work, I laugh and tell them I haven't. I find my self making use of all that time in grad school.
I had one Realtor who asked if I got an MBA from our local university, I told her no. She followed with an inquiry as to what field had a masters degree. When I told that I actually had two, one in Public Adminstration and one in Social Work, she sneered "and are you actually making a living in real estate?" I said "yes, I find those skills very helpful, and doing better than many long time agents. So when can I show your listing?"
Jeff- How does it may you feel? Just kidding. Great points and so well done! I'll make a note of that!
Good luck and sell well!
Very good information, should be required reading for anyone thinking to get into this crazy business! I actually am a psychology major, so having to do the therapy thing is not too hard for me. I do get frustrated though as I am someone who likes to be straightforward and often my clients do not. Although I am a good listener, I am NOT A MIND READER.
Buying and selling are a major change in someone's life and most people are resistant to change is some way. Once you understand the process - and you are right: it is about them - it is not that complicated to deal with them. Compassion, commitment to the the truth and being a good listener - along with knowing your trade - should take care of it (not very painfully).
My business partner, who happens to be a licensed therapist, and I were just discussing this very topic. We feel that our ability to deal with our client's anxieties is something that sets us apart from many other Realtors. Especially first time home buyers! It truly has to be a balance of making it all about them while maintaining professional boundaries.
Good post, Jeff! You pointed out what we sometimes forget--that we are counselors. Diane Aurit pointed out that real estate is about helping people, not the bottom line. I agree with that. I like working with people and offering them solutions even when it's not real estate related. Thanks for the insights!
Jeff- Yes we are therapist's most of the time and I think that we should be in order to help our customers to the best of our abilities. Whether we can qualify ourselves as therapists is another question for sure. Sometimes it turns into marriage counseling and I'm not sure I like going down that road too often. Another great post Jeff. hope you are well out on the other coast. Bob H
Realtors have a number of talents and juggling 100 things at once is something that all good Realtors do. This article reminds me of a few things I always have to keep in the back of my mind. Great post!
It helps to be a good listener. No disrespect intended, but I think this is why so many women find selling real estate to be rewarding - the ability to help people, and connect with them emotionally... we're just hard wired for that.
You definitely have to hear what the client is saying or you will miss the little things. Like their cost threshold. Theu may say one number but listen closely and you might hear a totally different figure.
Jeff,
This post made me laugh out loud, and in such a crazy market, I need as much of that as I can get. Your blog hit the nail on the head.
Kudos sir.
Jeff, I have often thought that one of our unofficial functions seems to be as an unaccredited therapist. In an other life, many of us could have been a bartender - because we're good at listening to other people's problems...
Jeff,
Glad to see that there ARE so many of us who feel that these issues are just as important to address as the issues that bring us to close the tranaction. Let's face facts....isn't this one of the most important facets of our job as a realtor? If we don't create a role for ourselves that makes us "invaluable" to our clients, they might as well just resort solely to the internet. WE are what makes the real estate experience PERSONAL. It IS part of our job to listen.....it leads to fully understanding the situation that can make or break the deal. So in effect, it does affect the bottom line, right?
I try to propose a good and comfortable atmosphere with my clients, and sometimes, they do tend to pull you into their traumas. I went so far as to stand and pray with a lady one time...it felt good, but I had to stress to her that as her agent, I could only help her if it was real estate related. I go home and hug my family often.
I've said effectively the same thing (in a lot more detail, obviously) in my book, The Consultative Real Estate Agent, AMACOM Books, C2006. I've know for years that my deals go faster, smoother, and have fewer unpleasant surprises when I take my relationship with my clients to a deeper level and understand what is going on in their lives, not just in the transaction. This is great information - nice job putting it out there!
Thank you, this is therapy in itself. To be validated in ones own thoughts. And yes, therapists do need a little therapy themselves.
Jeff, bravo for your post, you hit the nail on the head with the "emotions" of buying. It's interesting how the agent seems to enjoy assume the role of "Therapist" when they don't have to take on the title by working smarter.
Jeff ~ I often say that really wish I would've listened more in psychology class in college. I sometimes think I need a Ph.D.! LOL.
Jeff, I've got a Ph.D. in psychology and earned a living as a therapist. Excellent points, the one I like the best is this one
Be available when your clients need you or might need you. Having a client in crisis, for whatever reason, who can't reach you may exacerbate the problem, and how your client is feeling about the situation, and you.
What I've found is that if your clients feel they can reach, they are less anxious about the process overall. If you are not readily available, then their concerns multiply and build up, sometimes all out of proportion and it is much harder to calm them down. I make a real effort to be available to my clients and talk through their concerns as they occur. It takes a lot more effort to do this, but my clients are calmer and more trusting of me than if I didn't do this. I'm not afraid to work with high maintenance clients because I know that I can calm their fears with frequent, honest and diplomatic communications.
I do stay away from people who are irrational. Luckily with my training I can spot them a mile away and I'm not afraid to say "No, I don't think we can work together." I pick and choose my clients and I have to say that I've enjoyed working with all my clients. I think that's one of the keys to enjoying this business.
Jeff - this is a great article and very accurate. How about being the liaison for the other agent???? We do wear many hats on a continual basis.
Jeff,
I too have psychology degree. M.A. in Clinical Psych. You did a great article. And yes I use those skills everyday with my potential and existing clients. I just wrote a communication blog this morning. You have to have some background or awareness of those skills now. People have too much on their plate to worry about a house selling in today's market.
Jeff I do not in anyway consider myself a Therapist, but I do consider myself an expert on what I do (mortgages) and very capable of easing their concerns about that part of the purchasing process. I leave the rest of the hand holding to the other professionals who are experts in their area of the transaction. If we all work together to answer and ease the Buyers concerns the transaction goes much smother.
Great post - I agree that listening is key. Sometimes during a conversation I barely say a word and after the converstaion the client will say "thank you thank you !" . At least with listening and asking questions, you can find out what the fears and objections are.
Chris Somers www.thesomersteam.com
Hand holding is just part of the job. Buyers and sellers alike want to know there's someone on their side they can talk to both when things are good and when they're bad.
excellent post.......... some of the most valid parts of our job that agents forget. Congrats on the star
Why Yes I am! Aside from the fact that I owned a bridal shop ( now brides need it more than RE customers...talk about stress) I am trained in Psychology. It sure does come in handy in any sales situation, but especially those extremely emotional ones.
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When I was practicing law, I always had tissues on my desk, since most of my clients wound up in tears at one time or another - litigation is very stressful, and I truly had to be a counselor.
When I focused more on my real estate broker practice, I dealt with mostly happy and excited people, which was much more pleasant for me. But now in real estate I'm back to stressed-out buyers and sellers and once again I have to keep tissues handy.
I guess I'm destined to be a counselor!
Jeff: You've got it spot on my friend. I graduated from ASU with a MSW and began practicing "Therapy" with families in Arizona. Having left the Counseling field to pursue my love of Real Estate I found my job really didn't change very much. I still use the Skill Set I learned and developed during 15 years of Counseling on a daily basis.
I must admit, I find the "Counseling" sessions now have much happier endings. The listening skills and ability to "read" my clients has been a wonderful asset to my practice now. The ability to empathize and truly understand my client's needs & motivations have made the transition smooth and effortless.
The funny thing is...most people know what they need to do to solve almost any problem, they just need someone to help them find that answer within. That theory still applies in Real Estate. They know what they want, my job is to help them define and find it...Well done my friend.
I've always thought that Counseling 101 should be a part of our Continuing Education...Thanks.
You're welcome! And you were 'featured' as you rightly should be! Its probably in the top 10 posts I've read on here...:-)
I believe that the key is listening to the buyers. Listen to what the buyer is saying that they want or need and find it for them.
Gee! Wasn't that easy???
What a great post. I knew that degree in Psychology would come in handy some day! I do have to admit that the "dealing with people" part of my job is one of my favorites. Thanks for posting!
Excellent post! Over the years I have gotten better at listening, holdiing my thoughts, staying calm even when my client isn't, etc. However, I do find that, especially when working with friends, that telling the truth (the truth they don't want to hear) is awfully difficult ....
Between my experiences as a realtor, and those of being a mom to two teenage boys, I believe I do deserve an honorary degree in psychology!! :)
Anyway, thanks for your excellent blog.
BINGO! Sometimes I get tired of everyone else's baggage though. The market is creating more and more distress and I hate to say it, but there are times where I despise having to deliver bad news. But I feel as though if I've laid a truthful foundation and delineated expectations from the first appointment I can avoid a lot of the heartache and drama people bring to the real estate experience. One thing I learned early in real estate is keep the drama to a minimum at all costs. If your customers know this from the beginning they are less likely to share TOO MUCH INFORMATION with you.
Wow, Jeff - I think I'd hire you to be MY realtor! Thanks for the reminder to listen for what is NOT being said. I'm sending this along to everyone in the office. Deborah Fox, Villager Realty
Excellent Jeff.... What I find most agents have the BIGGEST problem with is developing those boundaries. As a group, real estate agents are people-pleasers.... Being their real estate agent requires honesty and directness, as well as empathy and compassion... Such a delicate balance. Thanks for the excellent reminder!
My previous experience in retail therapy has helped in this area. Great Blog!
Hey, that reminds me...I deserve a RAISE!!!
Hey Jeff, this blog really hits home. Just yesterday, in fact, I had a client call me in tears saying that she and her husband are literally on the verge of divorce over their move. Ummm....I did my best to offer as little advice as possible and simply listen, listen, listen. One would hate to inadverdantly offer the wrong advice in this sort of situation.
Jeff, The best training I think I had for real estate was the one year I spent working a crisis hotline. Great post for making us think about other people's needs.
Jeff, In a time when our profession is equated with used car salesmen and personal injury lawyers, I don't mind being a therapist. I always enjoy your insight, and enjoy your blog so keep up the good work. Regards, Paul
69 degrees in Carlsbad? I will be right there. Who ever is on the couch (sofa please), move over. Will give you a call next week when I am in town. Great post!!!
Jeff
Very useful information.Listening I would have to say is the most important part of my job as an agent.As long as I listen when I am with them I can then go back to my office & think thru things. Then coming up with what they truly THINK they want to buy & for how much & when & what they REALLY after talking (& me listening) ....can buy for how much & when .I soak in all that they tell me when with them..Information is the best thing we can get from a client what we do with it is where our Career an expertise comes in.
I would agree in that we must play many roles besides simply an agent. Great post, thanks.
Sometimes, when I'm typing too fast, I get the letters mixed up and "realtor" becomes "relator". That title often fits as well.
We play a huge role in calming peoples fear of buying homes and moving. They are stressed and the smallest thing can become a huge issue. Our professionalism and "calming" effects are needed at all times throughout the transaction.
Thanks for all the great commentary.
I have had a hard time keeping up with comments and responding to all of them personally, so I apologize. It seems folks agree the job of working with clients through their transactions can be a challenging one with lots of emotions I have had a couple of them myself recently, with lots of extended phone conversations. It can be pretty intesnes at time, and tiring. But it's part what makes it fun, at least for me.
Jeff
What a great post. There are so many required skills to make it in real estate...identifying with people's needs, understanding and listening to them, and supporting clients is a must.
Patricia - thanks for coming by adn for the compliment. It is, indeed, a tough role and the more difficult market create more challenges for our buyers and sellers, adn we need to be there to help them.
Jeff