Judging Friends

I was recently with a friend of mine from upstate Connecticut. My friend plays a lot of golf. He believes in leisure. He does not admire my work ethic.

He had been receiving my e-letters and concluded that I spend too much time reading and writing. He felt the need to give me advice.

“Randel, you spend too much time indoors … you need to get out and play more golf.”

Normally I would let that comment slide by but, like most of us, I worry about balance — the decisions we all make as to how to spend our time.

This last year, given the difficulties in the economy in general and the real estate world in particular, I have been working a lot. And so his comments stung me at first.

But then I got angry. The truth is that for me, a good book (which can be read outdoors I should have reminded my dimwit friend) is preferable to a round of 18. And, actually I feel better about myself working over the weekend (especially in these times) than I would if I spent 6 hours playing golf.

But this e-letter is not about golf … or even work. It’s about judgments we make about others.

My friend had no right telling me how to live my life. He has no insight into how my business is doing, who I am helping financially or what I am trying to accomplish with these e-letters. Nor does he have the right to make value judgments for me (by the way, my light-headed friend, I do understand the pleasures of golf but the 15 hours you devote to it every week is in my mind an enormous waste of life).

Oops, I forgot … this is not about golf.

My sense is that many people critique others’ lives because they worry about their own balance. Maybe my friend is actually questioning the balance in his life and, by attacking me, reinforces the decisions he is making.

The reality is that most of us judge others way too much. Unless we are walking in someone else’s shoes, we have no clarity as to what his or her life is like. We have no viewpoint into his or her ambitions, anxieties or agenda. In short, we have to be very cautious about judging others’ lifestyle decisions.

So, my weak-minded, golfer-dude friend, get on with your putting practice … I am going to find a nice shady spot and crack open a book.

Jim Randel is the founder of The Skinny On book series. His first book, The Skinny on the Housing Crisis, was just awarded First Prize in a book competition sponsored by a group of 600 journalists who cover real estate and finance.