One of the main complaints we hear from people relocating to Miami is that they can't deal with Miami drivers so Rick and I came up with the perfect solution......If you can't beat them, join them!
Here are some basics you'll need to learn to be able to drive in Miami without loosing your mind. These should make the transition much easier and once you start practicing, you will feel right at home.
1. Never, under any circumstance, drive with both hands on the wheel. (2 hands on the wheel mean "weakness" and they will spot you a mile away).
2. Make sure you have a cell phone on one ear. (hands-free devices are for wimps)
3. Use the other hand to do either of the following: women can apply make-up or pluck eyebrows and men can shave or pick their nose.
4. Never, under any circumstance use your blinker (turn signal) - we like surprises here in Miami, just change lanes without notice and the other drivers will respond with friendly signs.
5. If you are on the highway and cars are passing you on the left, make sure you move over to the furthest left lane to slow traffic down......this should upset plenty of drivers, just smirk and wave if you dare.
6. Sign language not only is acceptable but it is expected, only keep in mind that some drivers do pack heat, you may find yourself chasing bullets.
7. Don't ever turn right from the right lane, add excitement to your life - being in the wrong lane to turn is more acceptable.
8. Yellow light means PUNCH IT!! Slow down and you WILL cause an accident!
9. If you see a police car, don't drive patiently behind them, speed up and pass them as quickly as you can while waving with the hand holding the cell phone.
10. If you ever get stopped by the police, don't start making excuses. Miami police love the truth - just tell them to hurry up with the ticket, you have places to go and people to meet.
So stop complaining, be a little more assertive with your driving and soon enough you will not understand how you were able to drive anywhere else. Driving in Miami will feel like home.
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Ines, It sounds very much like driving right on Long Island here--except we eat, too. Now just a sandwich, MEALS :) You have to be careful around here, I'm lucky if I get off my block without a horn blowing!! Sounds like I'd be right at home there---
Oh goodness...I'd fit right in except I use a hands free device and don't get stopped by the PO lice :) Thanks for the morning chuckle!
These are classics, I love how you put this together. Better than any David Letterman top 10.
Ines, Great post!! You forgot to mention drive a big car and cancel the insurance as most of the older cars in Miami don't have it anyway. :-)
Carole - I found myself having to limit these to 10 but the full meals and the honking are really funny! You can't drive through Little Havana here without getting honked at least a dozen times.
Sally - hands free and no PO-lice?????? WHAT!!! : )
Jay - I cracked up so hard making the list - Rick thought I was getting a bit silly - but I hope people"get" my humor.
Matt - insurance? what's that? : )
I won't drive to Miami unless it is totally necessary such as showing property or visiting my relatives in Kendall...my wife could use this hand book..she has to visit her clients there. Miami Beach I like though.
If I took a little more time to get to know where I'm going... I wouldn't mind it as much.
What a fun post. Sounds like driving in Miami is a lot like driving in L.A. Come to think of it, I felt right at home driving there! #4 is probably my favorite on the list. When driving in L.A, we don't use turn signals in heavy traffic because we don't want anyone to suspect that we might be changing lanes - they'll be on their guard and we'll never get to move over!
When I saw the headline I knew this would be funny! Love it you two! Reminds me of the Bay Area of CA!!!
Ines, if you run into someone who is complaining about the drivers down there, send to Boston for a couple of hours, they will not complain any longer :)
By the way have you been spying on me driving????????
"Pick their nose."
"Never, under any circumstance use your blinker (turn signal)"
I didn't think anyone knew .......... LOL
I don't know if you got my e-mail, so let me thank you for the beautiful card again :) :)
Another one. Ignore "ONE WAY" signs. Since about every other street in downtown Miami is a "ONE WAY", it will just slow you down. Drive with blinkers on and everyone will stay out of your way.
Neal - see? that's exactly what I'm talking about - practice the instructions and you will feel right at home.
Marlene - LOL!!! you are so right - we don't want others to "supect" - that's hilarious!
Lysa - when in doubt, drive with a local.....you'll either be sick to your stomach or relieved you are not behind the wheel.
George - of course I got your e-mail, but you must not have gotten my response. Either way, you are welcome.......and YES......I AM ALWAYS WATCHING YOU!!! : )
Ines .......... LOL
Lenn - the funny thing about downtown Miami is that they change the direction of those "one way" roads from one day to the next and it's common to see people going the wrong way. No need to learn the routes, they change them just to keep it FRESH!!! LOL! driving with the blinker on identifies you as a "tourist"......could be a double edge sword.
This sound like it was in Los Angeles. Here in NC there is the most amazing thing that all drivers seem to share...patience! People actually let others merge in line and never honk their horns. It took quite a while to get used to it. We still have our cellphone users and be sure to have some kind of NASCAR number on your windshield. A number 3 is always safe:) Happy New Year!
HAHAHAHAAA! I've spent enough time in Miami and Ft. Lauderdale to know what you're talking about. I can't believe how many people run the red lights. And I'm always wondering where the heck the cops are and why aren't they camped out at the intersection to give them tickets.
In my neighborhood, I call the cops when I see people rolling through the 3-way stop signs in front of the clubhouse, or if the 2nd car in line just quickly follows the 1st one through, instead of waiting their turn. And the cops come and park there! No mercy! lol
Diane - the truth is that I'm such an aggressive driver that I totally loose it in places like NC - Rick needs to drive at all times.....it's nerve wracking!
Lisa - Oh! you are one of those!. LOL j/k - I feel very strongly about my small neighborhood's stop signs.
Ines, this is hillarious, here in Ann Arbor the students just walk in the street, and dare you to hit them. It must be passed down from generation to generation.
omg yes I agree with George (wow that hardly ever happens lol) it sounds like rotary drivers in Boston !!!!! love the sign language I bet the half a peace sign is popular :-)
Missy - I love those pedestrians that cross the street with their palm open directing cars to stop....to me, it feels like they are daring me! : )
Carole - the half peace sign is EXTREMELY popular! LOL!
Rick & Ines:
This one is my favorite,
Anyway, you know what would hit the spot right now? A nice mojito! (Did I spell that right?) Have a good night!
Hi Ricardo....ahhh a MOJITO.......always a good time for one of those! (except when driving......that I do not condone)
Ines - This was so funny and a great way for me to turn in for the night. After spending so much time on your last post humor is just what the doctor ordered.
Jennifer - nice change, huh? : )
Ines...It sounds like Boston drivers and Miami drivers have a lot in common. LOL pretty scary!
LOL Ines...
You're tongue may be stuck in your cheek but you're right on the money...
And just so you know I prefer to wave at the cop with my Saturday Night Special (.38) in my hand :)
It's always good to let the law enforcement dudes know that we are quite capable of fending for ourselves in Miami :)
TLW...ROAR!
Moni - it must be the International blood running through our veins (see how politically correct I was?) : )
TLW - showing those Miami cops that you pack heat may just do the trick!! ROTFLMAO!!
OK now I imagine everyone in Miami driving cars like the one above!
Danny - B'mers are common, very common, nice cars are everywhere -(Ferraris, Aston Martins, Bentleys) I just took a photo of a yellow lamborghini last week and put in in our "miamism fridays" where I asked the driver if I could take a picture and he said "take a picture of the car, not me" - (I almost asked him to step out of the car) : )
You know why we don't use turn signals in Pueblo?????? Per use charge!
That's hilarious Dena! that bad, huh?
Hey, that one got me on the radio one time. And it's all true!
now you're going to have to tell us the story
No real story, the local DJ was reading from the newspaper the excuses people used on the police for not using their turn signals. I came up with something original - because it's true. People in Pueblo don't use their turn signals and I think they are afraid of getting a bill! What else could it be?
We're off subject a little here (and I'm going to go greet some friends now)....but are you saying people in Pueblo are cheap?
People in Pueblo are unusual. They don't have credit, not good, not bad, just no credit. They pay cash for everything, including using turn signals!
LOL!! Good explanation, if I ever heard one!
hi Ines, now this brings back memories!! haha... so nice of your to pass this along to the tourists!!
btw, remind them not to leave maps visible to others (i.e. on the dashboard, front seat, etc).. this just flags you as a victim, er uh, visitor! :)
ps. loved the sarcastic tone to this post! :)
it was sarcastic, right?
pss. i don't pick my nose, i rub my head!
Nicky Picky! - the maps are thief magnets! I shake my head every time I see a tourist driving with a visible map - they might as well drive with a huge target on their cars!
Sarcasm? what's that?
btw - it was great to finally rub your head this weekend! we should hang out more often
I'd like to add: always go through the red light if you are the third car in line and when that emergency vehicle passes you, draft behind them, you will get much farther faster
LOL @ Janie!! so true - I'm sure if we talk to enough people in Miami - we can add lots of great stuff to the list.