Gas is a Lot Like Sex

There it is. I said it. Think about it. Gas is a lot like sex in many ways. First there is the initial wooing for both. You chase after your partner in much the same way you first chase after gas when you get your license. So there I was wooing my gas for my new used car just like a girlfriend. You're all lovie dovie at first and the sex or gas is easy to get and plentiful. You find yourself leading a double life with two relationships. You love your girlfriend, but eventually figure out that, like gas, it's really just infatuation, so there you are with your gas mistress on the side. You rendezvous at clandestine locations on the corner of some out of the way gas station to have your little tryst with the gas pump, otherwise known as the pimp. You hand over your hard earned money and the pimp gives you some time with the mistress. You figure, hey it's cheap so what the hell.

Oh, but now you are hooked on the sex and the gas. And both know it too. So what do they do? The mistress starts asking for more and more things like your time, money, gifts, and gas money. Now the affair starts for them too! And the gas asks for more and more money because it's just never enough. Afterall, they have to pay the pimp and the kidnappers who brought her over from a far away land to escape oppression. Now gas and the girlfreind are calling the shots, and if you want your sex or gas you have to comply with all of their demands. Gradually the demands get worse and tougher to keep up with too and you find yourself too far gone to turn back. You need your sex and you need your gas. The girlfriend and the gas pump now become one in the same, sucking the money and life right out of you.

How does one escape it when you are this far gone? Breaking it off may lead to worse things in life, like no sex and riding the bus for crying out loud. Nobody wants that. So what is the next step? Both want a ring, of course. The girlfriend starts to pressure you into marrying her and you, like an idiot, believe that by doing so the sex will only get better and even more plentiful. Gas, on the other hand, simply puts a gun to your head and tells you that if you don't marry her your life is over. We call this the shotgun wedding. As young as you are you figure that this has got to end sooner or later, so you capitulate to both. Oh, what a tangled web we weave grasshopper. Now you are stuck supporting both the wife and the mistress. And the wife knows all about the mistress too, but says nothing, even when she receives those monthly love letters from her known as statements or bills. And she says nothing because now she is having an affair as well with her gas. Only now you're paying for both! The wife figures if you're getting it on the side what does she have to lose. Everybody wins, except you, the lowly schmo who was dumb enough to fall in love with two women at the same time.

Eventually, you get older and after years of marriage and cheating you get divorced and call off the affair. It's painful at first, but you know you have to do it because you are simply too old to drive or don't need to anyway and the wife stopped putting out. You figure that the best thing for you is to just retire, go celibate, and move into a retirement home or stay at home. The marriage and the affair are offically over, but you are still in debt because now you owe alimony and child support to the wife and the mistress. Your payments are made in the form of a lawsuit and a monthly statement that never seems to go away. Then the cycle continues with your kids because part of your child support payments are going right back to the pimp. Now your own kids are hooked. Only now they are getting a discount because they are driving hybrids and Smart cars. The pimp doesn't care because he knows that he will make just as much money on them as he did on you because now he is putting out less and you more! You may go further in a hybrid, but the price is the same. Same goes for the wife because by now they have fallen into the same trap. Like the gas, their sex continues, albeit with longer intervals.