EXTRA!, EXTRA! Last Mortgage Lender Goes Bust! (Humor)

AS I sit here and receive another URGENT BULLETIN from yet another hurting mortgage lending institution (Chase Bank) about discontinuing the A Minus product line as of today, I realize this is one of a dozen or so that I have received in the last week or two. I allow myself to drift off into the daydream land of the future...................

The Headline reads:

Extra! Extra! Last Mortgage Lenders Go Bust!

The article goes on to say that the the Government has instituted an emergency lending institution going by the name of The New World Order Of Mortgage Lending!

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Below are their guidelines:

NEW WORLD ORDER OF MORTGAGE LENDING GUIDELINES

Max LTV (Purchase or Refinance) = 75%

Minimum Credit Score= 780+

Maximum DTI: 20%/32%

Minimum Seasoning: 5 years

Income Documentation: FULL DOC W-2 ONLY

• Must provide 10 years previous w-2's and written VOE's from ALL employers
• If there is an employment gap of more than 12 hours you must provide a detailed letter of explanation to be approved by our senior board of directors prior to file submission.

Excluded Professions/ Industries:

• Mortgage, real estate, banking, stock broker, insurance agent, appraiser, retail employee, restaurant worker, day laborer, or any other profession determine by our risk assessment department to be way too volatile of an industry. (We reserve the right to refuse any profession/industry based on nothing)

Occupancy Types: Owner Occupied Primary Residence Only

Approved Property Types: SFD homes with 1 acre or more of land.

Appraiser experience: 5 years or more licensed in that state and living within 2 miles of the property.

Appraisal conditions:

• Must provide a minimum of 12 comps within .25 miles of the subject property that have sold in the last 3 months.
• Must submit a minimum of 2 appraisals by appraisers who fit the above appraiser guideline.
• Appraisal subject to review by s senior appraisal committee of not less that 12 licensed appraisers who must all be present and have a secret vote on whether to approve the appraisal or not. This secret vote must then be voted on by a separate and independent panel of 5 appraisers who have 55 years of appraising experience. All 5 members must be physically present (and alive) to give final appraisal approval.

All conditions must be sent in triplicate (all originals please) and in three separate submission packages (due to a high level of misplaced documents). Please reference the loan number on every sheet of paper submitted. Electronic submissions will not longer be accepted, as this method is way too efficient and would not allow us to lose stuff and delay the loan closing.

If the loan package is not submitted in exactly the manner listed above AND on Tuesday before 1pm and after 12:58pm, the entire package (all three of them). This will be sent via international ground and will be getting sent back from India, so please allow 4-6 weeks for return delivery.

We look forward to a lasting relationship with you and appreciate you thinking of us.

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As I clicked my ruby red loafers 3 times and said "There's no place like home", I woke up only to realized that I have recieved 3 more bulletins of discontinued loan products in that short period of time.

©Copyright 2008 Tom Elder