Jutta Starr

My lovely and dear, dear friends: THANK YOU ONE AND ALL. I've never lost a parent before and when my hubby's Mom passed away yesterday I was undone. It feels different from any other death and grief I have ever experienced... Please keep us in your prayers. We're going to need all the help we can get. We're looking for emotional outlets right now.

Got a Wiki quote for you: "In Judaism, shiva (or shiv'ah, Hebrew: שבעה ; "seven") is the week-long period of grief and mourning for the seven first-degree relatives: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, and spouse. (Grandparents and grandchildren are not included). As most regular activity is interrupted, the process of following the shiva ritual is referred to as "sitting shiva." Shiva is a part of the customs for bereavement in Judaism."

This is what we will be doing. I just don't know if in NY or FL yet. Hubby has to decide... I've passed on two listings and am shifting a contract signing. I've a closing on Friday and a walk through today. I'm on a mission to get the rest of my buyer's brokerage agreements completed because the family is date squabbling again. What else is new, eh? (LOL) Geez... I guess grief brings out the best and worst in us at the same time.

Time for some blog post therapy:

I am very angry. I'm am desperately trying to keep my b*tch switch under control because we are all grieving. It is hard to do what must be done when the loss is so profound. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I will not be having another conversation. She e-mailed every single month and never missed making contact... She called constantly to say hello. She appreciated every single photograph and story regarding her darling little minions. This sudden silence brings with it an unexpected void and the grief of not knowing her last thought is killing me. We had something we each wanted to say and the theft of that conversation is an emotional obsession that leaves me undone. I can not breathe well. My throat is tight and the tears have me typing blind at my keyboard. Everything has changed. I am now afraid. I don't know where to go with my emotions... I have never felt this way before... I am in a rage. Death has robbed me of a beautiful relationship...

My Mom-In-Law was well loved and it is going to be hard to deal with life without her influence on the family. In case you haven't noticed, I can be pretty plain spoken, so I have some regrets in that regard and I am dealing with my personal anger one issue at a time. I must confess I am not dealing with it well. I hope you will forgive me for the long post. I don't know how to deal with my emotions right now because I am tormented with the fact that my kids and hubby were robbed as well and his Mom was someone we all needed in our lives. We are all taking this very hard but I am trying to cope, so I sit here having blog therapy writing the first thoughts that come along wondering if Wordy C will show up an make me laugh at some point since the cartoons in my head are somber and in mourning. I've lived a pretty fascinating life, my life is not over but something precious has ended. Relationships are precious and fragile and you don't know how the loss of someone in your life will affect you until you suffer that loss.

I would rather focus on the good stuff. I want to embrace the good memories. I want to hold on to every kindness she has ever shown. I am going to do what I do best and work this out one thought at a time while I talk with you and wonder where to go to pick up the pieces of my shattered emotions. It's going to take a while because we are really hurting over here and one does not know what one has lost until it is gone. She is gone and I am undone... My heart is crying... I have to go...

I will be writing a bye to mom post later. Sorting through the family pictures and arranging new music for a photo-montage should keep me busy for a while. Blog therapy with my family and friends is nice. I do feel a little bit better. When I drop my kids at school I am going for a jog. I could use a good laugh to kill the waterworks so I may head to Brooklyn to film where we used to hang out by the water. Me and the wee ones did have a lot of fun visiting up and down the shoreline and spoofing at her home in FL. I'll collect some shots and show you. I just wish we had more time... I ran out of time on Friday the 13th.

Everything changed on Friday the 13th. I will never forget that day as long as I live. It was a bad day for me in more ways than one... I want to have good days. I keep thinking that though. I want my life back. Can't have the old one. That's done. I want a new one. One that doesn't feel the way I feel today. Virtual shiva is kinda nice... I've got just the thought to share. You're about to learn something new about us later on today when I share some of my fondest thoughts and silly memories of being a part of my Mom-In-Law's life.

I will be sitting shiva at Club Chaos. I need my virtual family just as much as my brick and mortar. You are all a very special part of my life and I really do love my bay-bays so I publicly apologize to everyone that I have ever hurt, harmed or inadvertently disregarded and humbly ask that you please forgive me. I have to start over because everything has changed and I do not want to miss any more important moments with the people that I care about if I can help it.

My relationships are a very important part of my life. I do not want to squander them... If you have something to say to the people you love you should say it and not hesitate. Sometimes, when the moment is lost, it is lost forever.

Thank you for all of the e-mail, phone calls, tweets, texts, Skypes, DMs, Facebook comments and visits.

Love,

Carolyn.