CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE JUST WON . . . . .

We have all been plagued from time to time by telephone sales calls. "Do you want a great deal on carpet cleaning?,or " Do you want a great deal on window cleaning?" or " Do you want a great deal on curtain cleaning?" or "woolen rugs" or , or, or, ( why is it that nobody ever calls and offers to clean the kitty litter?).

At any rate, I, over the years, had worked out a fool proof plan that deflected the calls without insulting or hurting anyone's feelings ( well this is Canada and we must be polite) So over the years, I had convinced all sales agents that my Wife and I lived in a house with no carpets, no windows, no curtains, no woolen rugs, etc, etc, etc. In fact we lived in a cardboard box with a telephone. It was a perfect cover!

But then technology changed and the calls became automated. You know the ones. The phone rings, there is a two second silence and the prerecorded message starts. There was no protection against the computerized caller. Every time the phone rang, we waited for the dreaded two second delay and whammo-blammo we were caught again.

Well in Canada we now have our own "do not call" list. Works pretty well at keeping those Canadian call centres from bugging us, except . . . . . . . . Except that apparently Americans can access the list so now we are receiving calls from American call centres. And don't think that at least we still have that two second delay to forewarn us of an impending sales pitch.

No, the latest development in the technologic war to invade every crevice of our private lives has been developed by a Cruise line. Yes, sometime over the last year, in a smoke filled room, packed with Captains, stewards, members of the 'black gang' ( engine room technicians), board room 'yes men' and at least three entertainers singing "Ain't we got fun!" came up with the most insidious idea. The A-bomb of sales call techniques; the prerecorded FOG HORN BLAAAAAAAAAT! which precedes the sales pitch so that you can no longer enjoy the two second warning.

So here is what you can expect - RING RING RING - "HELLO?" - BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! If you are on a roof - BLAAAAAAAAAT! If you are in a crawl space - BLAAAAAAAAAAT! You are never safe from the dreaded FOG HORN. It is supposed to make you want to take a cruise on one of their boats. It makes me want to sink one!