Tears for Lost Friendships.

As I try to think of a word to express the feeling inside, SHAME is the only one it comes to mind. Thinking about a friendship that was cherished and now has been tainted by the refusal of one to have an honest, direct and franc communication with the other.

Now, as I watch as a band-aid is attempted to be placed on top of the scar - without any understanding of the real reason why the scar was cause by in the first place - I realize that, at least for now - as I see and feel at this exact moment while writing this note - it will never be the same. What used to be so relaxed and natural became uncomfortable and abnormal. The moments together that used to be cherished and longed for have turned into long dreaded hours. It feels like I am on the outside looking in, into a place I used to call home and now it tells me that I don't belong anymore.

Forgiveness has been granted but forgetting it....well that is another history. To be aware at every moment of what is being said or done, not said or not done, is tiresome. The ghostly thought that a mispronunciation or understanding of a word or an act can have the power to set the other party off, and can unleash the consequence of being left hanging out to dry again without a single word of consideration or respect for a long relationship is stressful.

I have tried to conform with new get together and play pretend, act as if all is like it used to be, to make everyone else feel comfortable....but in reality nothing is the same anymore, something has happened, it's not comfortable, and the sad part is that I believe we all see that but no one wants or feel comfortable to talk about the elephant in the room. Off course I could just make up excuses, avoid contact, not return calls or messages - like it has been done to me - but if I did that I would be giving back exactly what I got, which it felt unfair and hurtful. Besides, avoiding to talk about the issue would deny who I am, and it was what brought us to this note being written right now in the first place, wasn't?

I do need to talk and understand through words what has happened, and what's happening right here and right now. No, it's not comfortable, no, it's not easy, yes, it hurts as I write, and sure the thought of moving forward without your friendship being part of life is sad, but there's a lesson to be learned, like in every circumstance in life, and I not just need, but want to learn this one.

Shame! It's just plain sad to see that a little grain of sand has damaged a pearl that was, at least for me, so precious, and in the process it has spread its tentacles to scar other relationships who throughout the situation chose to stand by and watch. Watch to what would happen if no one breathed or moved, to see where things would fall, that were "none of their business". Unfortunately, it was their business, we were a family, were we not? Well in the end, at least for me things have fallen in a way that makes this whole connection a very awkward and uncomfortable dance.

No relationship is easy, or perfect or without bruises. They all have ups and downs, laughs and tears. Yes, we will, once in a while step on each other's toes or cross 'the line'. There is nothing new on this. Learning to talk about all the little things before they become 'The big issues' is what helps us to find good, honest, true, reliable and long-lasting relationships in life.

At this time there is a need inside to be where it feels right, where I can be myself; be accepted as I am, without measuring and analyzing every word and every movement. There is a need to be surrounded by very few people, but people who understand that we know each other enough to say what we think and feel, good or bad, positive or negative, because we know that, in the end, the health, honesty in our friendship and respect for each other is more important than our own convenience or fear of a confrontation.

My prayers will always include each and every one of them, when I think of the people I've loved throughout my life, for sure their names will be on the list...but, for now, I don't want to feel like a fish out of the pond or make them feel uncomfortable anymore. At least for now, I don't believe there is a place for me there anymore. From the bottom of my heart I wish to each and every one of them all the joy, happiness, laugh and success.