Tales from the Dark Side or "Top Five Ways To (Not) Sell Your Home"

1. Leave that baseball bat beside the master bed during showings.

An excellent idea. Leaves the impression with buyers that this is a dark and dangerous neighbourhood, which is an excellent strategy for drawing offers since everbody loves a little drama in their lives.

2. Leave every single piece of art the children have ever made for you on every flat and vertical surface in the house.

Yup, it shows that your home is full of love, your family's love, your family's things....everywhere. You don't ever want your potential buyer to think that there is 'room' for them in your house. And whatever you do, don't let them start to picture themselves living there. I mean, there isn't even an offer on the table yet!

3. Make sure you updated your home no more recently than 20 years ago.

Everyone knows that anything done 15-20 years ago is much better than anything done recently. Ahhh, those were the good ol' days, no? You updated the kitchen 15 years ago and your draperies cost you a minor mortgage 20 years ago, and those avocado fixtures in the bathroom? You paid a fortune for all of that and they still work fine.

And if your buyer doesn't recognize the value of what you purchased two decades ago, let them change it! Everyone knows how much free time and energy and money people have to put toward renovation and updating the new home they have just moved into, particularly after they have just made a down payment and signed a mortgage.

4. Leave the years of accumulated dust, dirt and pet hair on every surface in your home.

You must never, ever leave the impression that you actually care(d) about how your home looks. If you do, potential buyers might think you took good care of your home and that will only inflate their expectations. Why, they might even think you took care of leaky pipes too! and water in the basement! and moisture in the attic! Now that's just ridiculous...

5. Stalk potential buyers as they traipse through your house during showings.

Potential buyers feel lonely when they have to visit a home without the homeowner to escort them through every square inch of the house. And they certainly don't like feeling like they can speak freely about the pros and cons of this property for them.

Moreover, they feel neglected when they don't get a history lesson from you about how you turned your model-airplane building acumen into a personal mission to DIY every repair to your home, no matter how many tries it took you to get it right.

And be sure to correct buyers if they mention they'd like to tear down the wall separating the kitchen from the dining room. After all, you're the one who has lived in the house for years so YOU clearly know how the next buyer should live in it too.

Good luck!