Ed Schneider – Washington DC Real Estate Specialist

We’re living among the shrouds. Our entire first floor but for the kitchen and one small table is covered in plaster-dusted plastic tarp. Sofas are tucked under the dining room table, chairs stacked, electrical equipment stored under the piano. All this to bring the rest of our 1942 home into the 21st century.

This is our third renovation project in the 30 years we’ve lived here. This time, it’s just the living room, entry and a bit of the dining room.

The house is an award-winning end unit, art deco rowhouse in the sought-after downtown DC neighborhood of Adams Morgan. We immediately built a two-story addition on the side and essentially turned a three-story, five-room house into a two-story, two-room house with a rental unit. The layout is an open plan and there’s only one interior door in the entire house, that door being to the bathroom.

Rita and I bought this place soon after our practice marriages ended. We love it, nurture it, and keep improving upon it.

It had always been a dream of mine to design and build my own house – not by my hand, of course, by professionals. And working on this addition 30 years ago came satisfyingly close to fulfilling that fantasy. We worked with a good architect for months, finalized the plans, and then every morning at 5 AM, I’d open it up for the contractors. I watched them demo an exterior wall, dig and pour a foundation, frame and enclose it, then put in the windows, doors and finishing details. The whole process took six months. Fortunately, we didn’t have to live in the mess, like we are now. We stayed in a condo Rita had purchased a block away until this place was finished.

By the time the house was finished we were so ready, we unpacked, placed all the furniture, and even hung our art by the end of that first day.

Over the course of time, we have redesigned and replaced two patios, planted several more trees, cultivated a lush garden (Rita’s doing), gutted and renovated the kitchen, demolished and redesigned the bath, rebuilt the dressing area, and now are undoing and redoing the living room and dining room. Thus, the shrouds, plaster dust and total disorder surrounding us.

Gone is the fireplace we’ve hated since it was first installed. It’s been replaced with a cool stainless steel model. We’re having custom cabinets built for additional storage in this tiny house, swapping out the 80s track lighting for newer, sleeker stuff, and have given up our reputation as “white wall people” by planning to paint actual colors in a few well-chose areas. We also redesigned the entry foyer to include a larger closet, and replaced the old front door with a custom model designed to match the tall, narrow sidelights on either side.

Work has progressed far enough that we unpacked the big-ass TV for the weekend and hooked it back up to our Dish. But we had to hide it again before the workmen got here Monday morning, lest they think we’ve been enjoying ourselves.

We’re looking forward to a day when everything is back in its place, the house is clean and our cat will have all her favorite nap spots back. They tell us that might be another couple of weeks. Or maybe four. Or five.

But the wait will be worth it.

I became quite perturbed when I phoned a friend at his office recently. His new assistant answered and demanded to know who I was and why I was calling, the implication being that she didn’t want to bother the big man with frivolous and unnecessary intrusion by nobodies. The “Why”I was calling was easy to explain. But the “Who” threw me into an existential tizzy that lasted days. I thought I knew who I was, but who am I, really? What is the essence of my being? Have I justified my existence on this planet? Do I matter one iota in this world?

What I do know about myself is this: I’ve been a cheerfully married man for many years; I’m a bit overweight and paying for a gym membership that I don’t use nearly often enough; I am a businessman with a long and varied resumé, a homeowner, an art lover, an ardent sports fan and I have a cat. I’m fairly tidy, reasonably optimistic, cook a little, am most comfortable in t-shirts and jogging shorts, and tell people I’m prematurely graying when it’s not exactly premature. And though I’m not much of a joiner, I am a card-carrying member of ebay who scours the site regularly for bargains. But shouldn’t there be more to me? Shouldn’t I be somehow more… significant?

To solve this cosmic quandary, I did what any intelligent, 21st-Century, right-thinking adult would do:

I Googled myself.

Hot damn! It turns out I am much more interesting than I ever knew.

For one thing, I am a retired Top Gun Hot Shot test pilot for NASA with more than 6,700 flight hours in 84 different aircraft who was the youngest graduate in the history of the U.S. Naval Test Pilot School at Patuxent River, Md. I was also the first pilot ever to conduct something called “multi-axis thrust vectored flight” and the first to test five new aircraft configurations. I even flew the high-altitude SR-71 Blackbird which cruises at Mach 3 for more than an hour (way cool). And NASA liked me so much, after I retired they inducted into the Aerospace Walk of Honor in Lancaster, California. Next to traveling at three times the speed of sound, it’s one of my proudest moments.

However, when I lived in Waterloo, Ontario I was considered eccentric. Sometimes on weekends I'd knock back a few, get out my tape recorder and improvise. Mostly it was just me talking and doing sound effects such as car noises or reciting old TV commercials or just giggling inanely. I used to wrap cassettes of my ramblings in colorful copies of original abstract paintings I’d painted and give them to the local campus radio station and anyone else who would listen. I put out about ten of these masterpieces and I’m proud to say they have become cult items not only in Waterloo, but as far away as Wilmot and St. Agatha. Because of my unlikely fame, I was invited perform at a Waterloo radio station’s mini-festival for bands who had no perceivable talent. I’m told people wondered what I would do live on stage, but I surprised them. I sat in front of the mic and proceeded to sing an entire radio show of Frank Zappa, Tom Waits, the Ramones, Commander Cody and hits from about ten other groups right off the top of my head. People stared in amazement. Or perhaps befuddlement. Sometimes when you’re eccentric it’s hard to tell the difference.

Unbeknownst to my tone-deaf Jewish parents, I was baptized as Catholic and began playing clarinet at the age of seven. I later played saxophone, flute and oboe in orchestras, jazz bands and chamber ensembles. But I switched to voice and choral conducting when I started my studies at the Cal State at Northridge and have since become the choral director of the First Presbyterian Church in Marietta Georgia, where I am an avid cyclist, runner and hiker with hopes to one day complete an “Iron Man” competition while playing Vivaldi on my oboe.

Like my parents, it might surprise you to find out that as Director of Evangelism of the AME Zion Church in Tennessee, I am a nationally known, entertaining and thought-provoking teacher of God's love and inclusiveness to all people who have answered the call to accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior. I am the featured religion columnist for The OakRidger Newspaper as well.

My mother would be proud, however, if she knew I was a doctor, the Dean Emeritus of the Leonard Davis School of Gerontology at USC, in fact, and a published author of many titles, including my classic, Dr. Edward Schneider Reveals What Your Doctor Hasn't Told You, and Your Health Store Clerk Doesn't Know. It presents a detailed overview of the latest scientific and clinical studies on alternative treatments as well as offers a proven formula for the best integrative therapy available. You can pick it up at Barnes & Noble for $19.95. Just take your Ginko Biloba before you head out.

As it turns out I am quite a prolific writer. I authored The Botanical World, Evolution and Morphology of Vascular Plants, Live Well, Age Well: Discover the New Rules of Aging and Stay Youthful for Life, and CEOs and Trustees: Building Working Partnerships. The last one offers practical advice for working relationships between directors and the governing boards of museums, botanic gardens and non-profit organizations. Very handy.

I have also translated Roger Verge's venerable Vegetables in the French Style and authored a highly rated, very exciting adventure e-novel as well. It’s entitled Desert Ship ($9.95 at Mobipocket.com). Here’s a synopsis: Liz and Jessica had been looking forward to a European trip for years. They just wanted to visit the tourist traps, but instead found love and adventure that changed their lives forever. Trips into the Iranian desert, jail, the Dead Sea, and going 2000 years into the past. Jail, the Dead Sea, past-life regression? Do I hear Spielberg calling?

And as if I don’t have enough to do, I am a mediator in Virginia Beach Virginia, a Professor of Information and Communication Technology at SUNY Potsdam, and an Atari programmer with two titles to my credit. In Austin I am in semiconductors, in Dallas Aerospace, in San Francisco telecommunications, in Houston management consulting, in Columbus Ohio information technology, in Detroit market research, in Boston financial services and in my home town of Washington DC I appear to be in cosmetics.

I am also one of the whiz-kids interns at the Spiritual Counterfeits Project. This is a vital frontline ministry confronting the occult, the cults, and the New Age. As you are no doubt aware, this is a critical time. Sophisticated lies are being fed to unwary people and it’s SCP's mission to create crossover material to alert and inform them about the dangers of the latest deceptions.

And oh, yeah. A few years ago in Tampa, I was a cast member and assistant director of the Annual Rocky Horror Picture Show. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock `n roll.

Last summer, I posted a blog on AR called You Just Never Know... in which I told about an open I held a few years ago. It was a super-cool, half-million-dollar condo. I had a large turnout that day. One of the lookers was an unshaven 17-year-old in flip-flops, torn jeans and a t-shirt who shambled through the place quickly and stopped to sign in just before he left. I struck up a conversation with him and asked what he might be looking for. A few weeks later found him a hip condo in super-trendy Adams Morgan that was almost as expensive as the one in which we met. Turned out he was a 27-year-old internet entrepreneur with substantial assets.

On the way out of settlement, I told him I was curious as to why he chose to work with me since as he had indicated he'd been going to opens for months. He said, "Because you were the only agent who talked to me." I guess to everyone else he appeared to be some ratty teenager who couldn't possibly afford to purchase anything.

This was about four years ago and we lost track of each other. His e-ddress lo longer worked nor did his phone number. Meanwhile, I changed companies and e-ddresses myself. He still lived in the same place, and on occasion when I would be showing in his building, I'd look to see if he was home, but he never was.

Fast forward to yesterday. I am holding open a condo in directly across the street from his place. It was a beautiful day and early on traffic was slow, so I stood in the shade of a tree out front. After a while, a couple approached and the guy said, "I don't know if you remember me, but a few years ago you sold me..." Of course, I recognized him. He looked a bit older and was dressed a little better, but it was the same guy.

He said he'd tried to email me a couple of times but the messages never went through. Did I have a card? He and his live-in GF had starting to look for a townhouse. Would I help?

Oh, his budget is a a larger now: over four time what he'd paid back then.

It just proves once again, one should never judge a book by its cover.

One of the things I love about being a realtor in our Nation's Capital is the diversity of cultures and people I've had the opportunity to work with. With all the embassies, chancelleries, trade missions, the World Bank, International Monetary Fund and other international organizations centered in Washington, I've met and served many fascinating people from around the world.

I've worked with clients from Great Britain, Greece, Cyprus, and Turkey, China, New Zealand, India, Lebanon, Venezuela, Brazil, Portugal, Mozambique, Spain, even two separate clients who are Basque, and a deaf person from Sweden.

I've learned about cultures and connections I never knew about, learned to at least say hello and thank you in most of those language, including American Sign Language. Dealing with these folks has made my life richer.

I've been on HGTV's show "Get It Sold" a couple of times and apparently wasn't too dorky, so they recently asked be to be a "featured agent." Now, being a "featured agent" means that I appear to be the agent a homeowner chooses from several to list his or her property, one that has been on the market "too long." In actuality, the properties are frequently listed by other agents who haven't yet been vetted by being on the air in a lesser capacity to demonstrate they do well on TV.

"Get It Sold," like many others on the cable network, is one of those staging shows, where a home stager, in this case the lovely Sabrina Soto, comes in and turns an ordinary, or in some cases, dreadfully dreary home into a gem that buyers will fall in love with.

So this week I was a featured agent at a very pleasant house in the Brookland neighborhood of DC. And today was the day to shoot the “open house.” In this set-up, people posing as “buyers” are supposed to walk through the house, nicely staged at this point, and make positive comments, like how beautiful the place is, or what a lovely paint color, or how much they love the drapes.

So I’m standing out in front of the house watching a shot get set up when Jim Delgado comes over to see what's going on.

Now Jim Delgado is a home inspector extraordinaire and quite a character with a very colorful past. He was a DC housing inspector for many years and use to have to wear a bullet-proof vest under his shirt when working in the more notorious parts of the city. There are indications he may have been an undercover cop in an earlier life. And as it turns out, Jim lives only four houses away.

I invited him to participate in the open house. Jim is such an special and funny guy that I know his comments when walking through this house are going to be a lot more interesting and unusual than your average person. And he doesn't disappoint.

Others who had come through the living room had complimented the fireplace and moved on. Jim, however, glances at the fireplace and declares, “Looks like a working fireplace!” But instead of heading for the dining room like everyone else, he picks up the brass fireplace screen and moves it aside. Then he gets down on the floor, sticks his head in the hearth and stares up the chimney. “Yup,” he says, “a working fireplace all right.” It was totally unexpected and pretty hilarious. I hope it makes it onto the show.

Producer Breanna Hoepner-Cowe was won over by him and thought it would be funny to have Jim walk through a room, peek over his shoulder, then slip some piece of brick-a-brack in his pocket and walk off. Or he could pick up one of the apples in the decorative bowl exactingly prepared by Sabrina, and take a bite. Sadly, we didn't shoot either, but damn, that would have been some fine “reality” TV.

Maybe next time.