It was the Vicks® NyQuil®. I knew I shouldn’t have. But damn, you know you’re not feeling well when it’s 80 degrees on your Totaline P474-1050 5/2 Day Programmable thermostat (courtesy of JP Air Conditioning), you’re shaking like a salt shaker and the Ying Yang Twins and Lil’ Jon are nowhere in sight.

I was supposed to meet Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar and….

The Vicks® NyQuil® knocked me out past noon.

Although I got there late (and missed out on the créme de la créme - Manny Diaz, Ileanita, Joe Sanchez, Julio Robaina, Matti Bower, etc.), it was pretty easy to figure out the order of things:

1. “Parade float” with big logos marketing to the Medicare-wielding Hispanic male and female demographic subset.
2. Convertible Mustang with Univision news anchor/reporter, talk show host, and/or actor/actress sitting atop back seat smiling and waving at crowd.
3. Motorcycle club of middle-aged men with middle-aged (but younger) woman in tow.
4. Marching band of local historically black high school.
5. Convertible Mustang with incumbent or aspiring local politician sitting atop back seat smiling and waving at crowd.
6. Scantily-clad females smiling, waving, and dancing (simultaneously) while marketing a sporting event/sports team.
7. Repeat (not necessarily in same order).

Yep, Leon had la orquesta.

The only thing better than seeing Raul de Molina (of El Gordo y la Flaca fame) sitting atop the backseat of a convertible Mustang would have been seeing Raul de Molina sitting atop the backseat of a convertible Mustang while eating Lili Estefan (la Flaca) one limb at a time with napkin tucked neatly under his chin.

“Fiera, te enterastes que voy a desfilar en La Parada de los Reyes Magos?”

Fiera: “No joda”!

“Si, el clu’ de moto mio va a desfilar. Tuuuto, El Flaaaco, El Chiiino, mi primo Arieliiito…to’ el mundo. Me llevo a Yanusleyska…”

I know they put the “F” in FCAT, but you can’t be serious. Don’t teachers teach students to proofread?

By this time I was doing “The Creep Dog” and leading it into “Throw the D” (My uncle Pee Wee would’ve been proud).

No pun intended, I’m sure.

A FUEGO. Papi’s reward for missing the Eagles vs. Giants to bask in the sun with his snot-nosed little one instead (I know - priceless).

I didn’t get this one. What does the sunglass-shielded cactus have to do with la Doctora Maribel?

Oscar Haza, the modern day Maximo Gomez. Maximo Gomez was born in the Dominican Republic and fought for Cuba’s independence from Spain. Oscar Haza was born in the Dominican Republic and fights for TV ratings using Cuba (sigh) as his only (monotonous, some would say) topic.

Somebody laughed at Baryshnikov too, I’m sure.

U.S.A. Jersey (in a knot) with Dominican Republic cap and Cuban flag = bachata + salsa + drop it like it’s hot. Wicked.

The people’s champ. It’s in his blood.

How on earth did this dude score Barbara Bermudo, princesa puertorriqueña (de descendencia cubana, of course) from Guaynabo City, PR? She is the reason why anyone would watch Primer Impacto. Women to try to look like her. Men to create a mental image for later on that night.

Peter Fonda approved.

“Hello, deja el show. Súbete la mini-falda hasta la espalda. Súbetela, deja el show, más alta. Que ahora vamo’a bailar por to’a la jarda…”

“No pague esa casa”! Alex Hanna of Alex A. Hanna Law Library at St. Thomas University-fame would be proud.

By now, I’m sure you’re wondering: “Where’s the picture of Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar?”.

Great question. The search party put together in search of los reyes was unsuccessful. They searched for camels, gold robes, purple robes, grass, but came up empty handed.

An unnamed source made the following statement off the record:

“Esos descarao’ desfilaron, pero se dieron cuenta que los habian cogido pal trajin, se acomplejaron y vendieron el oro que llevaban, se parquearon abajo de una mata alante del Presidente Supemarque con un doce de Jenika (Heineken®), se fumaron la mirra y encendieron el incieso. “

I guess I’ll have to wait till next year.

Until then…

Unnamed source

Photo Credit: The first image (artist rendition) of Los Reyes Magos on this blog post courtesy of Marisa Montes.

adrian salgado is a realtor associate with dash, real estate company in miami, fl. you can reach him at 305-491-7179 or email him at salgadoa@gmail.com.

Federico Uribe is at it again.

The same guy that took 750 pair of PUMA kicks (i.e. sneakers - for the slanguagely impaired) and turned them into "Human Nature" in 2006, took wood scraps, mops, clothes pins, pencils, ping pong balls, rakes, purses, corks, shovels, dusters, pliers, shoe laces, and just about any other household item you can think of to create "Animal Farm" this year.

The exhibition, on display in a 4,000 square foot warehouse space dubbed La Comunidad (2215 NW 1 Place) in the Wynwood Arts District, is being featured during the phenomenon/scene we now know as Art Basel Miami Beach.

A phone call seeking comments from members of PeTA was not immediately returned.

Adrian Salgado is a Realtor Associate. He can be reached at 305-491-7179 or SalgadoA@gmail.com.

I don’t know about you, but 20 years ago this is the guy I wanted taking me home from St. Michael the Archangel (Home of the Crusaders), a catholic school for those holier than thou.

Interlude: My fellow Crusaders, do you realize that for 8 years of our innocent live-inside-a-bubble youth we proudly wore the word “CRUSADERS” across our chest during Physical Education? I feel dirty.

As a matter of fact, I want my parents’ tuition money back, Father Paz.

Sister Carolyn, you were the best principle ever. I remember when you were my substitute teacher one year. I think it was 7th grade. It was one of the funnest days ever. You couldn’t control the students. That was the day I lost what little respect I had left for you. I love the way you used to twirl the back of your hair around while you would speak publicly to the students. It was of way of saying “I feel so insecure right now”. You were nice and soft spoken, though. I appreciate that.

Sister Mary Gil, keep your hands to yourself. If you were to try that now, you’d get your a*s handed to you. Kids nowadays don’t play. You think you got authority cause you’re an adult? Try again. Mary (can I call you that?), I always wondered who your barber was? He would hook you up with the illest flattops, square sideburns and all. I was so jealous.

Parents, the gentleman driving this Chevrolet Express not only assures your child’s safe return from school, he offers a lesson that can only be rivaled by the after school program held every afternoon on the southeast corner of SR 441 and Miami Gardens Drive.

Your children don’t want the oh-so-boring Maranatas, Franmars, and Carlos & Susanas of the world. Give ‘em what they want. Give ‘em the guy who uses caution when transporting children while macking hoes.

Photo Credit: Manuel “Manolete” Vidal

Adrian Salgado is a Realtor Associate in Miami, FL and can be reached at 305-491-7179 or SalgadoA@gmail.com.