Frank Schulte-Ladbeck

Terry was blue. Hair, skin, finger nails, lips were all shades of blue. He painted on blue scars onto his face. He was an imposing figure at 6'3”. His smile was a grimace, which revealed blue stained teeth. He appeared to be a most intimidating character. When I first met him, I asked “tell me, truthfully, is red your favorite color?” I received his grimace in reply. He was a sales associate in a store, and I would watch as customers were afraid to approach him. Yet, two elderly ladies dared move closer to him to make an inquiry, and they found that he was the nicest guy in the world. He loved talking to customers, and he was an engaging conversationalist. He was a gentlemen in his character, which his appearance belied.

As a teenager, I learned not to judge people by their looks by a wise art gallery owner. I wandered into her gallery one day, when I saw a painting that I thought was beautiful. Here I was in my “War is Over!” t-shirt and ragged jeans. My hair was long and curly. Not really the look of the other patrons, but the owner came over to tell me about the artist. I ended up purchasing the painting on lay-away. For years, I was a loyal customer. One day in the shop I witnessed what could best be described as a bum walking into the store. The owner knew him by name. She guided him through the new pieces, and he ended up buying a few pieces. After his departure, I asked about him. Why would she leave customers who seemed to have money for this individual. She said that the man had two passions in life: his garden and collecting art. He did both on the weekends, and he never cleaned up before going out, because he was going back to the garden later. When he first came to her gallery, she treated him as she did any client, which led him to buy.

On the job last week, a client drives up in a beat up old car. She was not in the most appropriate of attire. When the Realtor arrived, he kept making references to undertaking drastic remodeling to the home. I did my job, and I treated her as I would any other client. Later, after she had left, the Realtor came up to me and thanked me for treating her so well. He said that she might not look like it, but she was quite wealthy. She was difficult to please, but she was going to buy two homes. He thought that I might have been put off by what I was seeing. I told him that I would always do my best to treat my clients well. After all, they are paying the bills.

In my mind, I was recalling my friend the gallery owner and Terry. You just did not know who was going to be your best customer, or who might be the nicest guy in the room.

Every year since I have been an inspector, I hear that the state is planning to implement changes to the inspection report, and to the standards of operation for an inspector. Part of the hope is to bring order to the existing documents, so they will follow each other. Some clarifications will be made as too what is happening in the report, but one big change is the opening paragraph of the report.

I received my copy of the proposed changes, so I could add my comments. I am already scribbling away various notes on these pages to make my recommendations, but I like what I see. I do want one section to be more visibly highlighted: the meaning of the headings for the check boxes. They are suggesting that “in need of repair” be changed to “deficiencies” , which is great, but I want it to be explained. It will be interesting to see a final document.

The main point to that bit of required writing which begins our reports has always been to make the client realize that an inspection is only describing what is found on that day of the inspection, and what can be easily seen. In fact, this terminology has been used in one form or another by all states that have codes overseeing inspectors. No matter how many test meters, probes, or gadgetry that an inspector uses, the bulk of our findings come from visually inspecting the home. This is also where a problem can lie with our investigation. The items that we cannot see.

A house in my neighborhood has partially burned down. The fire was obviously a bad, but much of the structure looks in tact. I cannot gain access to the house, so I would not be able to determine the true extent to the damage. They are rebuilding, but they are not tearing everything down to start from scratch. Once everything is painted over, can an inspector see that a fire may have left some damage? Maybe. If there are visual cues, he could report on them. However, there can be areas of concern which have been covered. There was a home completely destroyed by fire, causing the foundation to crack. When rebuilding the home, a skim coat was smoothed over the foundation, and the new structure was built on top of it. After the new house is up, there could be signs to the situation with the foundation, but it could all appear fine. Eventually the crack will return due to the weight of the house, and problems can ensue. I think that I am making a good argument for phase inspections with this case.

Most residences do not go under phase inspections, and the homeowners may sell the property without informing anyone of the fire. This is why reminding the inspector's clients as to why a visual inspection is what they are getting. A good inspector will do all that he can to discover what happened to the home, but in the end, there just might be an item that we cannot see.

My wife has finally decided to organize all of those old photos that she has stored away on that sideboard. She buys albums often, with the promise that the pictures will go into them, so the pile includes several empty books too. Her efforts prompted by daughter to go and investigate this effort. She found one image that gave her pause. A picture of me at a former job (when I was working through college) was her favorite (for that moment). She brought it to me to show her find. It was a candid shot of me talking to another employee named Luis.

Luis and I were the de facto maintenance men of this business. No one else would do it, so the task fell upon us. One time, Luis and I were in a cramped, dark spot trying to fix a piece of equipment. Luis informed me that we did not have the tool for the repair. I had my tool bag, and I thought that I might have it, but I could not see how a part was to be removed. I asked Luis to describe the tool. Oh, that's easy he said. It goes down like this, over like this, around like this, and out like that. This description was accompanied by wild hand movements, and I had no clue. I asked him to provide a more descriptive picture. He repeated the same phrase, but the hand movements were more exaggerated. Giving up, we left the scene.

Some weeks later, Luis and I finished our shift at midnight, so we went out to eat and drink. Around two in the morning, I was driving him home. We were speaking amicably about music, when Luis drove his hand down between my legs. I turned to say that Luis, I am not like that, when his hand grasped a tool from a tray beneath the dashboard. This is it, this is it! Is what, I asked. THE tool he said. What? THE tool. I could not fathom this turn of events. What was he talking about. Frank, this is the tool that goes down like this, over like this, around like this, and out like that. All with the appropriate hand movements. The what, I asked again. He repeated himself followed by THE tool that we needed. I stopped the car, and looked at him. You mean to say this is the tool that we need to make the repair. Yes he said with pride. You mean a phillips head screwdriver? He looks at me with amazement. Is that what it is called? I have to remember that name. Luis, you mean that all of this time we needed a simple screwdriver to make the fix? You couldn't have just said a screwdriver? But Frank, this is THE tool. He holds it up like a torch to light our way. He solemnly says a phillips head screwdriver, emphasizing each syllable. I was flabbergasted. Now, I should explain that Luis had a disorder where certain items he could not recall, but he could tell you a song title along with which album it was from, the track number and side, year of release, and who played on it. For the remainder of the journey home, he held up the screwdriver. He placed it carefully on the seat when he got out of the car. He looked at me, and said remember to bring THE tool to work tomorrow, we would need it. The phillips head screwdriver.

I remembered this tale as I was speaking to an out of state caller. He had found me on the web, and had called to ask me about a problem that he was having. His description was not giving me a complete picture, so I am trying to explain to him my concerns as to possible reasons for his moisture problem. As I was going through my thoughts, it occurred to me that I was giving him an explanation that sounded like Luis' of the screwdriver: one that made perfect sense to me, but totally useless to him. I stopped to regroup my thoughts, and then I found the way to make him understand. He got it, so I was happy.

Sometimes, I have to consider that what I say might not be understood. I will never speak down to a client, but I do need to find the voice to speak to them in a clear way.

This week my dog Fritz has a playmate coming over, my father's dog Senta. Fritz is a Golden Retriever who loves playing in the water, while Senta, the Doberman, does not. Fritz tried to show her the joys of splashing and rolling in puddles, but Senta felt it was beneath her diginity. When my daughter came home, the pair went wild for her attention. My daughter wanted to be in the middle of their play, but it was a bit wild for her. She convinced Fritz to come on the slide, but Senta was just perplexed at this method of play.

Dogs are loving creatures, to their owners at least, but they do present some problems. If you are selling your home, you will never be able to stage it properly with active dogs going about their day. Dog toys, bowls, and whatever they decided to pull off of your counters would not leave a good impression. You may not notice it, but there is the odor too. It may be best to let your pet take a vacation during that time.

After this week is done, I will have to repaint doors. You just cannot convince a dog to use the door handle every time. With scratch marks, you have to sand, prime, and then paint. A little touch up paint does not work, since the scratches will have dug into the wood of the door. Fritz decided that he was not going to use the door at one point. He removed the carpet, so he could dig under the door. The cement did not give, but he gave it his best shot. If your dog manages to pull the carpet away, check to see if the edges are frayed. If everything is in tact, pull the carpet back onto the strip with the nails poking out. Personally, I found that tile floors work best with our four legged friends. I just have to mop up after muddy adventures. For mud tracks in carpet, use a little ammonia in water. Dab up and down to remove the stain. Swirling about drives the dirt down into the carpet.

The backyard has suffered the most. I did plan out my garden based on Fritz's needs rather than my own. Dogs love their paths, and they will simply remove any obstacle that is in their way. Since Senta follows him, most of my pants are safe. Watch how your dog moves through the space in the yard, and you will know where you should not plant, and where you can. The lawn takes the most harsh treatment. Their bathroom breaks can kill grass. I use some agricultural gypsum every so often to lessen that blow. I spread it by hand. However, my lawn is not all grass. Under the abuse of running dogs, I found that I would need to put a lot of care into the lawn, if I wanted it to look nice. Adding fertilizers was not in my plan. I did not want to overdo this treatment, and have the excess run off with the storm water. Even organics can have a detrimental effect when overused. I leave my grass clippings on the lawn, which helps with the health of the grass. In the backyard, I do allow non-grasses to be part of my scheme. Dollar weed is actually a Chinese herb. It has a taste between celery and carrots, and it is said to help with memory loss. I allow it to nuzzle into my lawn. I have also planted thyme in the yard. Lemon thyme gives off a wonderful aroma when cut. I do have some mint, but it can grow quite high at times. I planted some bulbs too. Their heads are stating to pop up now. I cannot wait for the flowers. I think the bulbs where just my excuse to my wife to explain why I cannot cut the grass. In general, I do not try to fight the weeds. I let them bring their own shades of green to the yard.

Dogs make wonderful pets, and thieves have been less likely to enter a home with a barking dog inside. However, you do need to learn to live with them.

A few years back, I thought that I was going to have my name placed alongside of E.O. Wilson and Stephen Jay Gould. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I thought that I had made a significant study in naturalism in my own backyard. While puttering around in the garden, I had made the discovery of a red snail. I rushed back inside the house to search my books, to find no mention of this species. What should I call it ran through my head. I headed back to the garden to collect specimens for my dissertation. I was also thinking of the culinary aspects. Red Escargot? I had my in. My son, Wolfgang, had met Wolfgang Puck. Herr Puck had said it was the first time he had someone named Wolfgang asking for an autograph, so certainly he would remember us. Looking for where this discovery lay, I headed back to my beets. My beets---which where being eaten by the snails. The red beets. Oh well, there went my place in the annals of science.

I just left some of the beer in my bottle. I set it in the garden bed under a board. The next day, I took the congregated snails away in a bag with the bottle to be thrown in the garbage. Our gardens and homes will always be invaded by pests of different sorts. When I found a garden snake while weeding, I held it up for my son to see. My wife did not approve. Garden snakes are great as far as I am concerned, since they eat some unwanted guests. You may not realize it when you are walking on your grass, but they are probably there. My son pointed out that there was a larger snake under the shed. I had found some vacated skin, so I thought it was near by. This also explains why my dog has been attacking garden hoses of late. My wife, who grew up on a farm, is not found of snakes. I tried to posit some reason to the situation. Firstly, the snakes will eat rodents, so no problems there, and secondly, I can put up a sign to counter those of the neighbors. Instead of beware of dog, beware of snake. I said that it would be better than my neighbor who has a sign: beware, trespassers will be killed. Various rodents do present a problem for the home. They will enter through the weep holes of brick veneer and through holes for pipes under the home. Metal screens can be placed in the weep holes. You need to leave them open for moisture to escape. Through holes in the foundation can be more difficult since these come up through walls. Usually, the builder has placed a barrier to prevent their entry here. Squirrels love the attic though. They will come in through vents, and out through the soffits by chewing holes in the vents there. If you see chewed or damaged wood around the roof line, it may well be these rodents. Rodents have strong teeth, so you will need heavy gage metal screening to cover the openings for preventing them from re-entering.

Part of the reason for having several inches of your foundation exposed is to prevent insects like termites from gaining entry to your home. Termites do not like exposure, so they will find a covered area to gain access to the house. This could be through the foundation or along the exterior to go under the outside veneer. Mud tubes are an indicator here. If you see wood dust, there are other wood destroying insects that will make a meal of your space. Some ants and bees like wood for a home. This is why you will want a WDI (wood destroying insect) Report when buying a home. This has to be done by a qualified professional, which is a pest control company. Most will perform this type of report.

In Houston, mosquitoes are a definite nuisance. Check that you have no standing water around the home. Any water will be sufficient for them to reproduce. I bought a machine to lure these flying bloodsuckers into a container. It worked well for one type though. It turns out that different mosquitoes are attracted to other types of bait. I gave mine up, thinking that the electricity, propane, and lack of performance was just not worth it. They will work fine, but you may have to switch out baits to get all of them. If you have a dog, clean the poop often. These droppings attract other flying friends.

I have encouraged lizards and their cousins into my garden, since they will eat many of my undesired intruders. I just set out old shoes to make a home for them, but a pile of sticks works too. I also encourage birds, but my wife forbids me from setting up the home for the bats. She fears the rabies associated with them, and that is a concern. If you have a vent to your attic with slats, you may want to be cautious. Birds and bats will use this entrance as a means to enter your home to make it their own. You will see bits of grass sticking out of the vent if there are birds. Chimneys make great homes for some bird species, so a screen on top is needed. I have seen birds nesting on vent tubes on the roof, which will effect your home's systems.

Well, this was just a primer, so you may want to look around your home. Now, if you know any chefs who are looking for a new taste sensation have them call me. In the mean time, I am setting up a stand along the I-10 for my red snails.