Laraine Shape - Broker

In Melbourne, Florida we've got a few food landmarks that shouldn't be missed. One in particular is Mustard's Last Stand - the epitome of good hot doggery. It's a hoppin', boppin' little place that's been in business here since 1987.

Whenever my friend, Gwen, and I are feeling cranky over a particularly sucky real estate day, (or just because) we head over to Mustard's for a quick hot dog fix.

We start feeling better the minute our order hits the table, which is always less than 3 minutes after placing it. And delivered by a perky waitress with a genuine smile.

There are dozens of dogs to choose from, everything from the 'Eau Gallie' (melted Cheddar and fresh garlic) to the Downtown Dog (bacon, cheese, tomato and mayo) but my personal favorite is the chili, cheese and slaw dog.

And since hot dogs have a tendency to get lonely, you'll want to add some beer battered onion rings (deelish) to your order or, if you're mad at your hubby/wife/boss/dog go for the cheese and garlic fries. Mmmmmm!

The hot dogs are the real deal, made by the Vienna Beef Company in Chicago and the buns are soft, squishy pillows that cradle your delicious hot dog babies to the very last bite.

There are two locations to serve you. One at 1288 N. Harbor City Blvd., in Eau Gallie and one at 415 E. New Haven Ave., in Historic downtown Melbourne. Hours are Mon - Thursday 11:00-8:00, Fri - Saturday 11:00-9:00, Sunday 11:30-8:00

Oh, one more thing. I'm pretty sure that shoes, shirts and dentures are optional here. So, feel free to put your teeth in your pocket and enjoy your Kraut dog, Chicago dog, or chili, cheese and slaw dog!

Palm Bay, Florida - According to Dylan and Moonbeam Becker, the real estate market is "deader than a doornail" and they couldn't be happier. So, in celebration they decided to give their home the gothic makeover it deserves. "We just love it," gushed Moonbeam. "It's like, totally black and depressing."

"Before the makeover it was all like, light and bright and open. I hate that look. How can people eat, sleep or hang upside down in a place like that?"

"It was totally creeping us out," continued Dylan. The down and out real estate market was just the "environment" we needed. We were like, really glad to hear something was as dead as we like to think of ourselves. "

But neighbors aren't so happy with the Becker's trailer home makeover. Several have signed a petition and asked the park manager to do something about the "dead-looking trailer at 141 Sun Gazer Circle."

Mabel Gladfolk, long time resident of the park, had this to say, "Things are depressing enough as it is. I shouldn't have to look death in the face every time I get the binoculars out to see what's going on in the neighborhood."

Disclaimer: This "News Item" is a work of (comic relief) fiction written by Ralph the real estate dog. Only the MLS photo is real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental.

Melbourne, Florida - Ralph and June Haggemeir are counting their lucky stars after having discovered an entire kitchen inside a local dumpster. "We found it right under some empty milk cartons and a perfectly good trellis someone threw out. It's our "miracle kitchen!"

When asked what they intend to do with their find June had this to say, "well, until we can find a buyer for it, we was thinking about charging people to come in and look at it. Like they did with that Mother Mary window stain down in Clearwater. The extry cash would sure come in handy for Christmas."

Disclaimer: This "News Item" is a work of (comic relief) fiction written by Ralph the real estate dog. Only the MLS photo is real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental.

Melbourne, Florida - Anthony and Carmine Sarducci have been through 6 realtors, 14 open houses, 12 showings, 36 months on the Brevard County MLS and nearly a year of attempting to obtain a property tax exemption based on "religious" use.

They were disappointed this past Monday to learn their claim for exemption was thrown out and deemed "legally insufficient" by Brevard County taxing authorities. But in spite of the controversy, they remain confident they will get the exemption and the $349,900 (Zillow valued at $50,000) they are asking for their modest 1200 square foot home.

According to Mr. Sarducci, a truck driver for Martin's Potato Rolls, "Our home has been blessed by extraterrestrial beings and should be exempted as a place of worship."

"And as for the price, we got something nobody else in town's got. We got a crop circle out in the front yard and chicken tracks in the kitchen from the night we was visited by them aliens. We're pretty sure they came during the night of my 40th birthday party," Mr. Sarducci continued.

"Carmine had this huge surprise party for me and 40 or 50 of my biker friends came over. We stayed up until about 2:00 am then went to bed. We didn't notice anything odd until the next day."

When the couple arose at approximately 1:30 pm the following afternoon, they discovered a dead chicken in the middle of the kitchen floor with black paint all over its feet and an unusual "chicken scratch" pattern on the walls and cabinets.

"We definitely believe it's the work of extraterrestrials," noted Carmine. I think they landed sometime during the night, made the crop circle out front, came through that broken window over there and did their work."

"They must have dipped the chicken's feet in the can of black paint I was using for Tony's "over the hill" decorations and let it run wild all over my kitchen. When it was done running around, they obviously wrung the poor thing's neck and left it on the floor. I'm just glad there wasn't any probing involved, or at least I don't think there was."

"The point everybody's missing is that these items add a ton of value to our home" Mr. Sarducci continued. "We've got a friggin' shrine here. All the real estate people keep telling us to reduce the price, but I smell a commission check. We ain't giving our house away. Somebody's gonna come along and realize what we have here"

The Sarduccis concluded by saying they "won't take a penny less than their $349,900 asking price." They plan to hire an attorney for the property tax exemption matter as soon as Mr. Sarducci's Worker's Compensation funds are released.

Disclaimer: This "News Item" is a work of (comic relief) fiction. Only the MLS photos are real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental. Laraine Shape www.soldonbrevard.com

Melbourne, Florida - On April 19^th, 1964, Oren "Mac" Mackerel ate his modest bowl of Special K with skim milk, gave his cat "Dolly" her daily dollop of cream, drank the last of his Sanka and headed for his Sunday Open House, just as he had a thousand times before.

Mac, a Realtor with now defunct HappyHomes Realty, Inc., was looking forward to a nice, home cooked meal with Miss Lucille, Melbourne city librarian, later in the day. Today was going to be meatloaf, fresh green beans, mashed potatoes, a green Jell-O salad with pears and a big, fat slice of double-chocolate cake.

Twenty four years later, to the day, Mac was discovered inside the home he was hoping to sell at the Open House. The sale would have helped pay for the diamond engagement ring he had on layaway for Miss Lucille down at Jessup's Jewelry.

Melbourne police, contacted by a homeless man on his Blackberry, were shocked to find the mummified Mr. Mackerel in the home's formal living room, "looking as if he was pointing out the features of the home and its furnishings which, according to flyers, were being offered for sale with the home."

Captain James Dangle with the Melbourne Police department said, "It appears Mr. Mackerel died of heart failure during an Open House some time in April of 1964. His Open House flyers and a plate of cookies were still on the kitchen table, untouched. It's absolutely bizarre that no one found him before now."

Captain Dangle is pretty sure twenty four years sets a world Open House record. He plans to contact representatives of Ripley's Believe It Or Not to find out. "Hey maybe they'll come to Melbourne and do a show about it. You just never know."

Disclaimer: This "News Item" is a work of (comic relief) fiction. Only the MLS photos are real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental. Laraine Shape www.soldonbrevard.com