Mark Seltzer

Hope you like it!

Go get a kleenex to whipe away the tears before you read this one...

A Cardinal fan liked to amuse himself by scaring

every Cubs fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Cubs jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerves back just missing them. One day while driving, he saw a priest walking along the road.He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked

>> the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

>> "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about

>> two miles down the road," replied the priest.

>> "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest

>> climbed into the passenger seat and they continued down the road.

>> Suddenly, the driver saw a Cubs fan walking down the

>> road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as

>> usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though

he was certain that he had missed the

>> guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where

>> the noise came from, he

>> glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.

>> He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said,

>> "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Cubs fan."

>> "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the

>> door."

I still think this is one of the funniest jokes I have EVER heard!

Mark

>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>

Hope everyone likes 'em... Read on ol faithful one!

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it
> again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
>
> (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
> Miss America 1995.)
> Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
> Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
> because if we were suppo sed to live forever, then we would live
> forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
> forever,'
> --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
> world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but
> not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
> --Mariah Carey
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
>'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
> your life,'
> -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
> federal anti-smoking campaign .
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
> --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
> 'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
> in the country,'
> --Mayor Marion B! arry, Wa shington, DC..
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
> I'm just the one to do it,'
> --A congressional candidate in Texas.
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
> --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
>
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
> -- Dan Quayle
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
> --Lee Iacocca
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
> 'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein.'
> --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. <
> BR>,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
> people.'
> -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
> 'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
> received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
> if there is a change in your circumstances.'
> -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
>
> 'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
> --Keppel Enderbery
>
>
>
> 'If somebody has a bad heart , they can plug this jack in at night as
> they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
> the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
> --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
>
>
>
> Feeling smarter yet?
>

** Hope you liked these!

Mark

www.markalkaseltzer.com