Crazy Shark Dude

Everyone loves hippies, right? I mean, they're friendly, they believe in free love, and they just want the world to hold hands and sing Kumbaya, right? So what's wrong with that?

Parents - beware the seemingly innocuous Flower Power! Your children are unsafe amidst this lot, and don't let your hippie tenants in your shared duplex to seduce your children with their wicked ways!

<---------(Just imagine your darling children associating with this satanist. Worse, hiring this creature to deliver their babies?)

First, there's the hygiene. Do you know how many new species of lice they found in Bob Marley's hair after he died and they beamed his body back up to the mothership? 47 species of lice! (Some of them were probably already known to the Linnaean system of classification, but never mind that). Imagine trying to rid your rental unit of all those creeping, crawling, itching arachnids! Dreadlocks = dirty, and don't you forget it.

Second, there's the promiscuity. Do you want your virgin daughter espousing the tenets of "free love," AKA uncurtailed $ex with dozens, possibly hundreds of dreadlocked, unbathed, unemployed, organically-grown granola-munching tie-dyed men? Don't even think about walking into your rental property with a black light, the phosphorescent reflections would blind you before you could stammer out the words "AIDS quarantine."

Did you ever wonder how food got so expensive? Look no further than the Organic movement! If it were up to your hippie tenants, every head of lettuce would cost you $15, to help pay for Manuel's "fair-trade" wages that, coupled with his her0in poppy fields, afford him the kind of lifestyle that only Tom Cruise and Bernie Madoff could afford. And not just Manuel's Colombian palace-fortress either, but they want those lettuce heads seductively massaged every night of their little lettuce lives, and kept in free-range pastures where they can run around having "free love" with other free-range lettuce heads and have a rich, joyful little lettuce life! And if it's not gluten-free, well... let's not even think about what those hippies would do behind closed doors to gluten.

But it gets worse. The drug$! Think of the drug$! And don't think it stops with a little bit of your parents' generation's watered-down funny-weed. Oh no, no, no. Today's m@rijuana comes in styles that make people hallucinate express trains made of pineapples, and imagine that they're Frankenstein. And remember that time in college when that sinful woman FORCED you to drop that teensy, weensy little bit of @cid? Well, imagine a smoke-filled den of sin, where the b0ng never stops bubbling and the @cid never stops dropping, and the tie-dyed sarongs on the wall stare down with evil blue and purple eyes. That's what's going on next door in your rental duplex! It's a haven of sin, and you support it every month by allowing those creatures of darkness to wallow in their own filth and sin!

There's only one thing to be done. Report them to the authorities for their loose and morally-depraved behavior (which, incidentally, helps streamline the eviction process), fumigate their Den of Sin to rid it of that offensive patchouli smell, and sign a rental agreement with some nice, upstanding young hedge fund bankers or subprime mortgage lenders. Just think, you'll even be able to plan your retirement or get a no-cash-down mortgage at 13% in the process!

Every professional has a tool kit; if you're a plumber, it includes wrenches, if you're an accountant, it includes software, if you're in ACORN, it includes immunity from the law (if you haven't seen the Jon Stewart clip on ACORN, it's priceless).

Slumlords are no different than other people (other than their lordly superpowers we discussed last time), and they have a tool kit too. Here's an exclusive look into the life and tools of a slumlord, with each tool's nature and purpose explained.

Grizzly Bear Spray (defense, lockpicking, extorting rent from tenants)

Scientifically designed to disable, maim, and otherwise incapacitate 900-pound adult grizzly bears, this easily portable spray can induce panic in even the toughest tenant! One spray to the face will produce a sensation the tenant will never forget... and one spray to the genit@ls will induce nightmares for years to come.

As an added bonus, it's been known to melt away steel deadbolts, in case the tenant tries to lock you out!

Digital Camera (blackmail, evidence)

Digital cameras are a cheap and effective way to prove without a shadow of a doubt that your tenant actually is smuggling 9 year old Guatemalan boys into the country for child pro$titution rings, for expedited eviction! Of course, if the young Brothers Pedro are worth less to you than the $50,000 you can blackmail from your tenant... well, we won't judge.

Extra Spicy Beef Jerky Links (dognapping, security override, vengeance)

Many tenants maintain vicious animals as living security systems, such as dobermans, german shepherds, and mutant pitbulls. However, even the fiercest, most genetically scrambled dog will go limp at the prospect of beef links, allowing you safe entry to your rental property. Or perhaps your tenant is behind on rent? Dognap their precious little Chihuahua, and see how quickly their rent money materializes!

Best of all, no dog's digestive tract is suited for extra spicy beef jerky links... your tenant is in for a fun treat on their brand new white suede couch!

LoJack Tracking System (tenant locator)

Had one too many tenants skip town on you without paying their last 4 months' rent? No problem! Just secure the little lojack on their rusting 1987 Ford Asscort station wagon, and voila! Go visit them at ma's house on the other side of town, and remember to bring that bear spray; moms are more vicious than that creepy 180-pound dog those deadbeats kept!

Being a slumlord is hard job, and not for the faint of heart. Keep your Slumlord Tool Kit on you at all times, and don't hesitate to vaporize an eyeball or two with that bear spray - it's faster than serving an eviction notice!

You already know whether you're a slumlord or not; he11, we had that conversation weeks ago. By now, you've gnawed those Walmart fingernails of yours down to nubbins, quivering in the dark corner of your bedroom and mumbling through the foot-long string of drool dangling from your lip: "Am I a bad person? Do slumlords deserve to live? Just how qualified am I for forced euthanasia in the People's Republic of America?"

But have no fear! I'm here to tell you that slumlords are people too, d@mmit, and we should be lionized, idolized, held up as epitomes of self-actualization. In short, I'm putting the LORD back in slumlord.

So what's so good about slumlords, anyway?

I'm so glad you asked! Someone has to own and manage "affordable housing," and keep it that way, and there are two alternatives to private real estate investors owning low-end properties: corporations, and the government. Either corporations can own and manage low-end properties with the caring and sensitivity that they display with their mass livestock farms, or the government can run them like they... well, like they already do! There's a word for government-owned "affordable housing:" the projects, or Pojects if you're too po' to pronounce the R. It may also be worth noting that we ALL pay for the public projects, whereas only slumlords pay for low-end housing investment.

Hopefully, this establishes why our society, as a whole, needs slumlords. But wait, we also need jizmoppers (name that movie!), and we don't celebrate THEIR social standing… why should slumlords be apotheosized?

The "it's a dirty job but somebody has to do it" logic is flawed, because it fails to account for the physical valor and prowess displayed by slumlords nationwide. After all, who else among you is brave enough to venture into the underworld of gangs, pimps, sex offenders, and Tyrone's Fried Chicken (real picture of one in Baltimore above - I took that one day while visiting an investment property), day after day, week after week? And who else, among mere mortals, has outrun an angry Kentucky pervert caught wiping off his sister's chin? This is the stuff of legend, of mythology; epic poems will be recited about your exploits in two thousand years from now.

But the justification of our lordship doesn't end there. Private slumlords, in their infinite generosity, often offer their tenants the option to purchase their home, their small castle, their own little piece of the American dream, for a nominal purchase price, mildly usurious seller-held mortgage interest, denial of buyer's agent protection in the transaction, and the serfdom of their firstborn daughter. After all, someone has to get to her before the local pimp... slumlords are really doing her a favor.

Then there's the fact that slumlords provide free demonstrations on innovative and ingenious uses of duct tape, super glue, and plywood. These are useful survival skills for today's poor; after all, these are the only home improvement supplies within their price index! You're providing real life, hands-on home remodeling tips and skills, totally free of charge… Ma Theresa would be proud.

So the next time someone disparages you for being a slumlord, recount for them (in the metered stanzas appropriate to the epic nature of your being) your exploits as a demigod, roaming the landscapes of broken tractors and barred windows, your philanthropic efforts offering practical education and socioeconomic betterment, and the foundations in market economics for your privileged and proud existence.

Viva Las Slumlords!

All right, after accidentally erasing not one, but two drafts of my entry on "Slumlords & Civilized Society: An Existential Journey," I decided to push that off until next week. Instead, you get…

Walmart has been the butt of many jokes (most of them justified) regarding everything from employee treatment to small business bulldozing, yet they continue to flourish. What's going on here? Who's responsible for this behemoth slowly taking over the world? (Aside: Walmart employs roughly 1.5 million people and clocks roughly $275 million in annual sales, as opposed to the $120 billion dollar trade deficit between the US and China - if these numbers don't scare you, you probably have Asperger's syndrome [caveat: figures slightly dated]).

(<------------ "Guys, it's cool, it's an ancient symbol for prosperity...")

So while it's extremely easy to make fun of Walmart, and blame them for all of the terrible effects they have on our economy, I'm going to take a different tack: blaming YOU. Yes, you heard me right, I said you. You shop there, you work there, you even EAT there, supplanting Taco Bell as the most disgusting mass-produced swill consumable garbage. Because of American demand for new, shiny, and cheap things they can quickly throw away and replace for social advancement, Walmart has offered them exactly what they want: stuff so cheap you can buy it today, throw it out tomorrow, and buy something else tomorrow to show off to Mr. & Mrs. Jones across the street.

I could wax on, ranting about Ma & Pa Hardware Store who just defaulted on their rental contract because they're put out of business every 13 minutes by Walmart leveling local economies, or I could simply show you a few examples of the kinds of morons keeping this bloated leviathan alive.

Roll camera:

(pictures provided courtesy of www.peopleofwalmart.com)

So, where to begin with this one? -------------->

The subject's suspicious gender?

The fanny pack?

The underwear?

The socks?

"Honey, I know you want potatoes for dinner, but... ok, ok, you just hang out here at the car, and I'll be right back."

"Thanks for the back scratch! Now it's your turn. No, seriously, turn around... What?"

If you are so embarrassed that you'll never step foot in a Walmart again, I've done my job.

And if you're wondering how that woman wipes herself... some problems aren't meant to be solved.

Oh, and if any of this irritates you, consider a little wisdom from Holden Caulfield: "Morons always hate it when you call them a moron."

Words cannot express how amazing this little news story is. Probably the funniest piece of reporting ever aired.

Incidentally if you haven't seen this before, after watching go back a few Slumlord entries and check out the poster.

Happy gold hunting!