Crazy Shark Dude

Every professional has a tool kit; if you're a plumber, it includes wrenches, if you're an accountant, it includes software, if you're in ACORN, it includes immunity from the law (if you haven't seen the Jon Stewart clip on ACORN, it's priceless).

Slumlords are no different than other people (other than their lordly superpowers we discussed last time), and they have a tool kit too. Here's an exclusive look into the life and tools of a slumlord, with each tool's nature and purpose explained.

Grizzly Bear Spray (defense, lockpicking, extorting rent from tenants)

Scientifically designed to disable, maim, and otherwise incapacitate 900-pound adult grizzly bears, this easily portable spray can induce panic in even the toughest tenant! One spray to the face will produce a sensation the tenant will never forget... and one spray to the genit@ls will induce nightmares for years to come.

As an added bonus, it's been known to melt away steel deadbolts, in case the tenant tries to lock you out!

Digital Camera (blackmail, evidence)

Digital cameras are a cheap and effective way to prove without a shadow of a doubt that your tenant actually is smuggling 9 year old Guatemalan boys into the country for child pro$titution rings, for expedited eviction! Of course, if the young Brothers Pedro are worth less to you than the $50,000 you can blackmail from your tenant... well, we won't judge.

Extra Spicy Beef Jerky Links (dognapping, security override, vengeance)

Many tenants maintain vicious animals as living security systems, such as dobermans, german shepherds, and mutant pitbulls. However, even the fiercest, most genetically scrambled dog will go limp at the prospect of beef links, allowing you safe entry to your rental property. Or perhaps your tenant is behind on rent? Dognap their precious little Chihuahua, and see how quickly their rent money materializes!

Best of all, no dog's digestive tract is suited for extra spicy beef jerky links... your tenant is in for a fun treat on their brand new white suede couch!

LoJack Tracking System (tenant locator)

Had one too many tenants skip town on you without paying their last 4 months' rent? No problem! Just secure the little lojack on their rusting 1987 Ford Asscort station wagon, and voila! Go visit them at ma's house on the other side of town, and remember to bring that bear spray; moms are more vicious than that creepy 180-pound dog those deadbeats kept!

Being a slumlord is hard job, and not for the faint of heart. Keep your Slumlord Tool Kit on you at all times, and don't hesitate to vaporize an eyeball or two with that bear spray - it's faster than serving an eviction notice!

You already know whether you're a slumlord or not; he11, we had that conversation weeks ago. By now, you've gnawed those Walmart fingernails of yours down to nubbins, quivering in the dark corner of your bedroom and mumbling through the foot-long string of drool dangling from your lip: "Am I a bad person? Do slumlords deserve to live? Just how qualified am I for forced euthanasia in the People's Republic of America?"

But have no fear! I'm here to tell you that slumlords are people too, d@mmit, and we should be lionized, idolized, held up as epitomes of self-actualization. In short, I'm putting the LORD back in slumlord.

So what's so good about slumlords, anyway?

I'm so glad you asked! Someone has to own and manage "affordable housing," and keep it that way, and there are two alternatives to private real estate investors owning low-end properties: corporations, and the government. Either corporations can own and manage low-end properties with the caring and sensitivity that they display with their mass livestock farms, or the government can run them like they... well, like they already do! There's a word for government-owned "affordable housing:" the projects, or Pojects if you're too po' to pronounce the R. It may also be worth noting that we ALL pay for the public projects, whereas only slumlords pay for low-end housing investment.

Hopefully, this establishes why our society, as a whole, needs slumlords. But wait, we also need jizmoppers (name that movie!), and we don't celebrate THEIR social standing… why should slumlords be apotheosized?

The "it's a dirty job but somebody has to do it" logic is flawed, because it fails to account for the physical valor and prowess displayed by slumlords nationwide. After all, who else among you is brave enough to venture into the underworld of gangs, pimps, sex offenders, and Tyrone's Fried Chicken (real picture of one in Baltimore above - I took that one day while visiting an investment property), day after day, week after week? And who else, among mere mortals, has outrun an angry Kentucky pervert caught wiping off his sister's chin? This is the stuff of legend, of mythology; epic poems will be recited about your exploits in two thousand years from now.

But the justification of our lordship doesn't end there. Private slumlords, in their infinite generosity, often offer their tenants the option to purchase their home, their small castle, their own little piece of the American dream, for a nominal purchase price, mildly usurious seller-held mortgage interest, denial of buyer's agent protection in the transaction, and the serfdom of their firstborn daughter. After all, someone has to get to her before the local pimp... slumlords are really doing her a favor.

Then there's the fact that slumlords provide free demonstrations on innovative and ingenious uses of duct tape, super glue, and plywood. These are useful survival skills for today's poor; after all, these are the only home improvement supplies within their price index! You're providing real life, hands-on home remodeling tips and skills, totally free of charge… Ma Theresa would be proud.

So the next time someone disparages you for being a slumlord, recount for them (in the metered stanzas appropriate to the epic nature of your being) your exploits as a demigod, roaming the landscapes of broken tractors and barred windows, your philanthropic efforts offering practical education and socioeconomic betterment, and the foundations in market economics for your privileged and proud existence.

Viva Las Slumlords!

All right, after accidentally erasing not one, but two drafts of my entry on "Slumlords & Civilized Society: An Existential Journey," I decided to push that off until next week. Instead, you get…

Walmart has been the butt of many jokes (most of them justified) regarding everything from employee treatment to small business bulldozing, yet they continue to flourish. What's going on here? Who's responsible for this behemoth slowly taking over the world? (Aside: Walmart employs roughly 1.5 million people and clocks roughly $275 million in annual sales, as opposed to the $120 billion dollar trade deficit between the US and China - if these numbers don't scare you, you probably have Asperger's syndrome [caveat: figures slightly dated]).

(<------------ "Guys, it's cool, it's an ancient symbol for prosperity...")

So while it's extremely easy to make fun of Walmart, and blame them for all of the terrible effects they have on our economy, I'm going to take a different tack: blaming YOU. Yes, you heard me right, I said you. You shop there, you work there, you even EAT there, supplanting Taco Bell as the most disgusting mass-produced swill consumable garbage. Because of American demand for new, shiny, and cheap things they can quickly throw away and replace for social advancement, Walmart has offered them exactly what they want: stuff so cheap you can buy it today, throw it out tomorrow, and buy something else tomorrow to show off to Mr. & Mrs. Jones across the street.

I could wax on, ranting about Ma & Pa Hardware Store who just defaulted on their rental contract because they're put out of business every 13 minutes by Walmart leveling local economies, or I could simply show you a few examples of the kinds of morons keeping this bloated leviathan alive.

Roll camera:

(pictures provided courtesy of www.peopleofwalmart.com)

So, where to begin with this one? -------------->

The subject's suspicious gender?

The fanny pack?

The underwear?

The socks?

"Honey, I know you want potatoes for dinner, but... ok, ok, you just hang out here at the car, and I'll be right back."

"Thanks for the back scratch! Now it's your turn. No, seriously, turn around... What?"

If you are so embarrassed that you'll never step foot in a Walmart again, I've done my job.

And if you're wondering how that woman wipes herself... some problems aren't meant to be solved.

Oh, and if any of this irritates you, consider a little wisdom from Holden Caulfield: "Morons always hate it when you call them a moron."

Words cannot express how amazing this little news story is. Probably the funniest piece of reporting ever aired.

Incidentally if you haven't seen this before, after watching go back a few Slumlord entries and check out the poster.

Happy gold hunting!

You know, it's a good thing there's such a stigma attached to being a slumlord, or else everyone would be doing it!

Actually not really, I've seen more than my fair share of XXXXL white T-shirts and ankle-length blue jean shorts, and most people just don't have the risk tolerance that I do when it comes to endangering their lives by entering neighborhoods reminiscent of Anbar Province in Iraq.

But many of you have posited that you may, in fact, be a slumlord, and have expressed varying degrees of concern over this epiphany. For now, we'll ignore the profoundly existential question of "How bad is it to be a slumlord" for the more categorical "Am I a slumlord?"

Without further ado, You Might Be Are A Slumlord if You:

1. Own rental properties that are worth less than a quarter of your home's value

2. Carry grizzly bear spray into the ghetto with you instead of the more traditional pepper variety (pepper spray's for pu$$ies! Just ask Teddy Ruxpin here ----->)

3. Own a trailer park but don't live there yourself, eschewing it for the more aristocratic double-wide down the dirt road

4. Refer to your tenants as "The Natives"

5. Have to roll up your windows while driving by your rental properties

6. As you walk up to your rental property to pay a contractor for long overdue repairs, you decide instead to spend the money on a h00ker working the same block

7. Your friends, family, and coworkers answer for you when someone asks what you do, with a euphemistic "He's in real estate. But back to what you were saying about that interesting bionucleic acid..."

8. Keep an eviction notice on your Windows desktop for easy access

9. Maintain a stash of hand sanitizer in the car, to stay ahead of that new strain of AIDS that you catch from looking at people who net less than $100K/year

10. Avoid wearing the colors red or blue when visiting your rental properties, and not because they don't compliment your eyes.

Face it: you're a slumlord. It's ok, I'm one too, and when it comes to being a slumlord, whatever doesn't kill you makes you richer!

<------------The Slum Limo!