Crazy Shark Dude

Ever tried out being a commercial slumlord? No? But you must try it! Really, nothing like it in the world. What's that you say? You don't know where to start? Well now, pull up a chair, pour yourself a lukewarm can of Schlitz, and everyone's favorite bachelor uncle will tell you all about setting up the commercial space for a dive bar.

Now I know what you're going to say, something about that whole "liquor license" nonsense that your state's government will whine on about, but don't let some bureaucratic nitpicking get in the way of your dream.

To begin, you must find the part of town that most fits your Dive Bar Personality Test (rate each on a Tolerance Scale of 1 through 5, 1 being Least Tolerant, 5 being Most Tolerant):

1. Will you allow women with hairy armpits in your lease premises?

2. What's your tolerance for blather about whose favorite band/movie/naked play is more indie?

3. How do you feel about college students shotgunning beer cans in the establishment?

4. Where do you stand on cougars, bathroom sex, and cover bands of limited talent?

5. Does the sight of ten gallon hats send you into a belligerent rage at the expense of tractor-owners nationwide?

Now that you've decided that you are least tolerant of rednecks and most tolerant of hippies and hipsters, it's time to find an abandoned alcove in the artsy-shartsy part of town. Don't worry, you'd be amazed how many hairy, misfortunately-dressed people you can fit in 300 square feet.

Next, it's time to install the actual bar. Your great-aunt's old horizontal refrigerator will suffice (she's blind with dementia and won't even know it's gone for a solid two weeks), provided you have at least 3 blind, demented great-aunts, and then a few 2x4s from Home Depot will have the job done.

No dive bar is complete without a pool table, and this is the tricky part. You'll have to steal it from somewhere, but given the girth and weight of the average pool table, it will require an Herculean effort. I recommend dating someone whose parents own one, slipping them all a fizzy pill, and calling in your less scrupulous friends to help move the thing to your truck.

We're getting close. Darts will help distract the clientele from the fact that they're all unfathomably boring individuals with little to discuss except the latest edgy performance artist bent on publicly circumcising himself, and additional distractions might include hookahs, oxygen bars, and midget bartenders.

Finally, you might ask, where will you find a sucker dumb enough to sign a lease agreement on this thing? Here's the unfortunate catch: you'll probably have to run the place yourself. The good news? Your friends will come drink there, and keep you in business so long as you all don't drink up any possible profits.

So live the dream, hire that dwarf, and pray frantically every night that the local Liquor Board doesn't discover your little covert operation!

(song and dance routines skipped by popular request)

Game Show Host: "Welcome to Slumlord Millionaire! You will be asked a series of questions, and when we think you're cheating, you'll have to explain how such an unlikely person knew the answer. If you successfully answer them all, you'll be our next Slumlord Millionaire winner!"

Question 1: Which of the following is the least dangerous method of heating a home?

Options: A) Leaving the oven on and open, B) Lighting a campfire on the dirt floor of the basement, C) Turning on an old radiator system and hoping for the best, or D) Feeding Cousin Jerome six cans of baked beans and handing him a lighter.

My Answer: C

How I Know: I've tried the other 3, and lost at least an eyebrow in each attempt.

Question 2: What is the lowest proof of liquor that will reliably burn?

My Answer: Trick question! 80 proof liquor will burn, but very poorly. At 100 proof, a more reliable flame can be achieved.

How I Know: My sister's boyfriend's neighbor's nephew (who happened to lease the next trailer over from me at the time) lost a bet and had to douse his arm with vodka and light it. The good news: he sustained lesser injuries from the mild burn than he did from his parents when they found out.

Question 3: Which of the following best explains why parents in the ghetto have more children, and start reproducing in their teenage years?

Options: A) Women below the poverty line are impervious to the chemical effects of birth control, B) The mischievous Condom Sprite flits from 7-11 to 7-11 poking holes in the condoms, C) Diaphrams are not manufactured large enough to adequately fit birth canals loosened from overuse, or D) They are paid to do so.

My Answer: D

How I Know: I'm one of the people who contributes money to their fecundity cause, through a distant uncle known only as Sam.

Question 4: How Many Legs Does a Dog Need for Mobility?

My Answer: Another trick question! A dog can walk with 3 legs, but can MOVE freely with 2, provided it has a Radio Flyer ghetto-rigged for it properly.

How I know: Little Max was unfortunately mistaken for a 200 lb. buck last hunting season, despite his diminutive 20 lb. stature and lack of antler rack. Billy Joe's lease agreement on his trailer was not renewed, despite his sincere efforts in rigging up his son's wagon for Max.

Here are some statistics and facts that I found to be extremely surprising: (most from the US Census Bureau)

1. Poverty is classified by the US Census Bureau based on number of family members and number of children under 18, so by way of example, a family with 2 adults and 2 children would be below the poverty line if they earn less than $21,027 annually.

2. Among households classified as in poverty, 76% have air conditioning, 97% have at least one color television, 78% have a DVD player/VCR, 62% have satellite/cable TV, 73% have microwaves, and almost 75% have at least one car.

<--- (American Poverty)

3. Here's a big one: 46% of poverty-classified households own their own home, and the average home owned by poverty-classified households has 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, a garage, and a patio/porch.

4. The average person (not household, PERSON) classified in poverty has 439 square feet of living space to themselves (ie if 3 people share a 1,500 SF house, they'd each have 500 SF). This is less than the average citizen (not person in poverty, but AVERAGE CITIZEN) in Munich, London, Vienna, Paris, Athens, and almost any non-American city worldwide.

5. According to surveys of those classified as in poverty, only 4% reported severe physical problems with their residence. Of that 4%, half reported "having to share a bathroom" as the severe physical problem.

Still not to the Unfounded Opinions yet, but we'll get there.

It turns out that almost every measure that describes the average person in poverty, also describes me. I actually lost money in 2008, which offsets my roommate's income and puts us below the poverty line. Our 2008 house was 906 SF, or 453 per person, we did not have satellite TV, the house only had 2 bedrooms, no garage, no patio or porch. Oh, and we had to share a bathroom, which apparently was a "severe physical problem" in our house.

Wow, I can officially say I've lived in poverty. That's kind of cool (actually it was a really bad year and I hate the world now, but instead of going out and shooting a few dozen people over it, I started a blog). I think that means I can get away with writing this kind of stuff... right? Hehe.

(International Poverty)------>

Let's have an Unfounded Opinion or two, shall we?

1. Americans, even those who live in poverty, live better than almost anyone else in the world, but they whine a lot harder than citizens of other countries.

2. What's the real difference between someone living in poverty in America and someone who's not? Standard of living? Possibly, but more likely it has more to do with whether or not you were raised to value things like education over things like shooting someone because they looked at your Iroc wrong.

3. Tempting as it is to pin our national misconceptions about poverty on one or another political party, the fact is that both parties throw around hyperbolic cries of poverty in America when it suits them to achieve some political goal. But you'll never hear any of these stats from a politician because it's not "politically correct" to say that our poor people live like kings compared to anyone else in the world.

4. The next time I hear someone talk about the tragedy of abject poverty in this country, I'm going to hand them a fistful of deeds to rental properties in "poverty-stricken" neighborhoods, and give them a first-hand window into poverty in America.

...rant complete. Whew!

WOW!!!! Everyone came out of the woodwork on that last one, good times. But fear not, I'm not a comment wh0re, I won't take it mainstream like that everyday (shout out to some of my fearless commenters, like Jason Sardi, Georgina Hunter, Amanda Hall, Sandy and Jennifer and Russell - you guys have metaphorical coconut balls).

All right enough of the mushy stuff. Let's get down to business.

Some people think that long finger-and toenails are not only unattractive, but impractical. But what if these growths offer the specimen an evolutionary advantage, by frightening away predators? They are purportedly also useful in the act of coitus, by disfiguring the male's back so as to render him incapable of mating with other females of reproductive age.

If you're new to the trailer park, there are a few looks that any budding fourteen year-old trailer kitten can pull off. One is clothing made from the Stars 'N Bars; at once timeless and classy. Another is cutoff sleeves (fashion note: you must cut the sleeves off yourself). If you're a woman, you might consider a black eye, to better fit in, and it makes for an EXCELLENT conversation starter. But, man or woman, a beer gut is a must, which establishes trust and makes a careful statement of "I don't think I'm better than you."

Another important fashion tip for the fashion-forward teenager of today's slums is the fatherless pregnancy look, which makes a bold statement of "independent woman." You don't need a man to help you raise that kid; you've got your mother to raise it for you! Accessories to this look include Jim Beam whiskey and/or MD 20/20 bottles, with a possible "I screwed Jeff Foxworthy and all I got was this crappy baby" T-shirt to demonstrate your think-positive sense of humor.

Hats are important, no matter what low-end neighborhood you inhabit. These could be 10 gallon hats, or baseball caps, or even doo rags (I just learned how to spell that, incidentally). Or, best yet, you can make your own hat out of copious quantities of pomade and hair! (Safety Warning: extremely flammable, do not play with matches, lighters, or crack torches around Fro Hats).

You're never too old to keep up with today's fasions, so grab a bottle of pink Sutter Home wine, break out your best plastic wine glasses, and have all your girlfriends over for a Fashion Slum Party!

Not to be confused with a Fasion Slumber Party, involving naked pillowfights and $exual experimentation, which I insisted on believing in long after I stopped believing in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy.

If anyone makes a comment about ending that title in a preposition I'll reach across this computer and slap you. True story.

It occurred to me, late last night while floating on a nimbus of hookah and wine, that it's been a long time since we really talked about the basics of how to be a good slumlord. I'm talking old school, like why-not-to-install-central-air-conditioning (Entry 1, mofos!). So, without further ado, we're taking it back to basics.

One of the shadiest real estate investors I've ever met (and I've met more than my fair share, I assure you), used to buy properties that appeared in desperate need of a $50,000 overhaul, and put them in rental shape with $4,000. After signing a rental agreement with the first over-paying crack addict that came along, he would sell the house to another investor, for a steep mark-up because of the high rent.

You might think of this as the old carnie trick with the goldfish. "Step right up, pay $5 to play, it's easy, and win a goldfish to take home!" Never mind that the game wasn't REALLY easy to play, or the fact that those goldfish had a life expectancy of 72 hours.

There are some lessons to be learned here for you, my dear budding landlord or real estate investor. First of all, do your homework on the property's history and the tenant's history before buying a rental unit with a tenant. If the wholesaler bought it a month ago for $23,000, and is now trying to sell it to you for $75,000, I promise they didn't do $40,000 worth of work in that month, and you can bet that tenant was qualified for the rental agreement based solely on their pulse.

But most real estate investors know that already. Here's something you may not know: one of this guy's tricks was popcorn ceilings (and walls), to cover up all the rotting plaster, uneven walls, water-damaged ceilings, and (worst of all) structural problems in the property. If you see popcorn ceilings, you RUN. And maybe give the guy a good ol' manslap for good measure.

Alternatively, you could always take out a huge insurance policy on the property, and make it easy for the crackhead tenant to burn the place to the ground. Not saying it's a good idea, just saying it's an idea.