Crazy Shark Dude

Nothing tells you that you're doing something right as a humorist like receiving copious quantities of hate mail. The idea, you see, is that if you're totally off the mark, no one pays you any attention, but if you hit the jail on the bed, well, suddenly people get angry. Because no one wants to hear about all those ugly little truths that plague us all; they live happily under the rug, and only become a threat when someone comes along, picks up the rug, and beats you with it.

I'm pleasuring myself with words again (disgusting habit, really), so I'll rein it in, but here are a few gems that just couldn't stay confined to my inbox any longer. By the way, all are welcome to share their OWN hate mail stories in the comments as well, so let's keep it... colorful.

"I find your blog offensive in the extreme. Your lack of compassion demonstrates your ignorance toward people who weren't born with a silver spoon dangling from their gums, and I highly recommend you spend some time actually getting to know the very people you insist on lampooning so caustically. E.S. Dubuque"

CSD: I know you! You visit the ghetto once/year for Flower Day, where you participate in "beautification projects," wherein you plant flowers and nod to "those poor souls living in abject poverty." Your condescension does not escape the notice of the residents, who resent you eternally for your "charity" as you climb back into your yellow Hummer and go back to rich suburbia. At least my condescension is honest!

"You college boys are all the same, always looking down on someone just cause they didn't grow up in a big city. I live just fine in a TRAILER PARK, and don't feel lik I gotta explain myself to you damn city liberals.

-Pritchett"

CSD: Nor do I have to explain myself to you, because it would fail to penetrate that unsightly white sheet on your head.

"It's conservative a$$holes like you who keep me living in a filthy ghetto. You probably think the south should've won the civil war and that my people were still pickin cotton in your daddy's plantation! ~Ledasha"

CSD: You're lucky that a$$holes like me are stupid enough to put money in your filthy ghetto, because it'd be a lot filthier if no one were willing to buy rental properties there and fix them up.

"You hide your black, soulless heart behind a veil of irony and sarcasm and wit, and think it makes you clever. When you rot in he11 don't say no one ever told you that God has plans for those who offer nothing but mockery to the wretched.

-ModernAngel"

CSD: Where to begin? 1. I offered high quality rental housing long before realizing my mistake; the mockery comes extra on the side, 2. I think calling poor people "the wretched" is easily more offensive than anything I've ever said, 3. If, somewhere deep under the surface of the earth, it turns out there's a creature with goat's feet, bull horns, and red skin that gets his jollies by poking dead people with a pitchfork, then I stand corrected as that disbelieving fool who should have been more gullible.

I don't know, I got a kick out of some of these, and figured I'd pass them on for their entertainment value. Don't be strangers! Keep the hate mail coming.

On the Slumlord Manifesto, we agreed that camouflage techniques for visiting the ghetto after dark were probably not a great idea.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not proposing you go to the ghetto after dark, unless you want your kids to collect on your life insurance policy. But sometimes, you have to visit your slum properties, and you may want to hide the fact that you, well, may not belong there. So here are a few ideas on Camouflage for the Slums, to help you fit in a little better.

Not Acceptable: Painting Your Skin Black

Hollywood can do miraculous things, such as the impressive camouflage job done on Robert Downey Jr. Unfortunately, you don't have their money or talent.

Acceptable: Hoodie Sweatshirt

This is ONLY ok if it is NOT your college sweatshirt, or any college sweatshirt for that matter.

Not Acceptable: The Tie around the Head

It didn't work for Steve Martin, it's not going to work for you either.

Acceptable: Sneakers/Tennis Shoes/Trainers

Do Brits really call them trainers? Add that to the list of questions that may never be answered.

Not Acceptable: Suits, Dress Pants, and Dress Shoes

You think you look damn good in that suit, and you want to wear it, don't you? Guess who else might start thinking THEY'D look just as good in that suit?

Acceptable: Literal Camouflage Pants (recommended for trailer parks only)

Only try this if you've worn them before, and been happy about it.

Not Acceptable: Showing off Your Brand New Viper

I wouldn't have included this one, on the assumption that it went without saying. But when I was 22 my boss actually drove his cherry red Dodge Viper convertible to the ghetto, and I learned a valuable lesson that day: it takes years of making smart decisions to afford a Viper, and only one moment of stupidity to ruin it.

All right, now I know you all were shocked and appalled by my slumlord Extreme Eviction Practices last time around. "What on earth," you wonder, "could a tenant do to deserve such cruel and unusual treatment?"

Ok, ok, you twisted my arm. I'll tell you.

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 1: Being a Crazy Cat Lady

We all know one, and they're usually harmless older ladies. Unfortunately, their feline friends leave an odor that could choke a grown yak, and cause permanent brain damage to future tenants' children (and guess who they'll sue when THAT happens?).

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 2: An Adult to Child Ratio of >1:5

It's a strange thing, but when I was growing up, my parents taught me that having kids was a… what was that long word? Oh that's right, "responsibility." I really, REALLY want to rant for a few pages about this one, but I'll leave it at this: If condoms cost a dollar, and children cost $6,000-20,000/year apiece, and you treat them like crap because you never wanted them in the first place, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM TO SOMEONE WHO WON'T RAISE THEM TO BE A CRACKHEAD LIKE YOU.

And get your tubes tied while you're at it.

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 3: Committing a Crime that Carries a Prison Term of More than 10 Years

As a new landlord, I didn't want any crimes being committed in my rental properties. Later, I realized this shrunk my rental applicant pool to somewhere around zero, so I've been slowly lowering this bar ever since. You know, things like Murder 1, Violent Rape, and Driving Honda Civics with Vertically-Opening Doors are all on my current list of prohibited activities.

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 4 (Corollary to Offense 3): Playing P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy, or Puffy, or whatever he goes by this week) Loudly, or at All, for that Matter

Part of me wants to expand on this point, but the other, rational part says I don't have to. But he makes for one handsome mug shot!

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 5: Burning Tires to Cook Squirrels

Trailer parks are notorious for this one. But the beauty of this particular offense is that you can actually witness natural selection at work, by watching the physiological consequences of doing something this stupid. That said, the smell is intolerable, so you have to step in BEFORE their transformation to vegetable is complete.

We're going to do a two-part series (we all know how well that worked out last time, right?), on slumlord evictions. Part 1 will focus on classic slumlord eviction practices, which are in no way legal but certainly make for, well, entertainment. Part 2 (next week!) is for the crazy things slum tenants do to bring about these Extreme Eviction Practices.

Extreme Eviction Practice 1: Host a Yard (or Rummage, if you're from the Midwest) Sale

Times are tight, landlords need some extra cash… what to do? Have a yard sale while your tenant is out of town, of course!

And besides, if your tenant can afford that 60 inch plasma TV, they should be able to make their rent, right? F@ck it, sell that $hit and go to Tahiti for a long weekend of leis and lays.

PS – Make sure you wait until the tenants go out of town – wouldn't want them coming home in the middle of the yard sale and ruining all the fun!

Extreme Eviction Practice 2: Make Up a Crime and Call the Cops on Them

"Well, crap, Bob, that 15 year old girl screaming 'rape' must have come from next door… well how was I supposed to know? I mean your daughter's pretty hot, it just made sense…"

They'll get over it. Eventually.

Extreme Eviction Practice 3: Make Them an Offer They Can't Refuse

No one wants to come home to find their kid's rabbit boiling on the stove. But then again, better their kid's rabbit than their kid… just speaking hypothetically here, of course.

Just saying, you know, that accidents happen.

Extreme Eviction Practice 4: Burn It & Mourn It

Well, you could spend a lot of time and money on eviction, and then even more time and money cleaning the place up, painting, carpeting, fixing that commode that's always threatening to explode, then wait around a while for a new tenant to come along. Or, maybe some of that old wiring in the house got crossed (accidentally, mind you), and there was an incident.

And by incident we mean the house went up in flames, and you hired a good company to negotiate on your behalf for a higher insurance payout. Shucks, I don't know what just happened, one day I had this piece of $hit house, and the next I had a fat check… it's a hard life.

Sometimes, billboards are simply poorly placed, or placed a little too well. What brought this to mind was a billboard in the ghetto that was advertising a pickup truck, and the tag line ran "You can take all your hoes with you!"

I guess someone didn't do their research on the local culture versus their target audience.

So we went out and tried to find similar examples, and this is what we found:

Billboard 1 to my right here was posted in West Virginia, where the authorities, in concert with the highest-selling consumer product, thought they might tackle two problems at once: Incest and public intoxication.

They get points for creativity in their approach (and a dark sense of irony, which I personally respect), but unfortunately the campaign backfired on the state (as Jack Daniels was hoping it would), and Jack Daniels sales "mysteriously" increased precipitously.

Billboard 2 here was found in south Florida, right outside a senior living center. Amazingly, this billboard solved several social problems plaguing the institution, which saw decreased messes due to incontinence AND a lower STD rate (a serious public health problem among senior living communities, despite little media attention).

Billboard 3 speaks for itself, so I won't even bother with the dark commentary, but I will say that if I had- I-mean- were Big Dick, I'd rename that shot they're famous for.

Billboard 4: Texas, Texas, Texas... whatever will we do with you?

Of course, this billboard wasn't actually posted in Texas, as you'll notice that it's trying to encourage tourism TO Texas. No, but I'll give you one guess as to where it WAS posted. Ready?

Utah, in a heavily Mormon community, where, you'd be surprised to learn what still counts as virginity. Let's just say they're very... technical.

I don't know about you, but I'm stopping by Texas before my move to Italy (see Entry 15 for details), and the rest of you are welcome to, ah, come!