Terry Chenier

I'm playing a a game with myself. (No, not that kind of a game).

I'm approaching 200,000 points AND 500 posts, so I'm "blowing off"

excess posts over the ten to get the total up to match the points. Problem

is, people keep commenting on the "blow-offs" and it's screwing up my calculations.

So quit commenting, so I can figure this this thing out.

When you have one of those days when your feeling

particularly stupid for having said something with your foot

in your mouth, whip this out and read it and you'll think your a genius.

MEMORABLE QUOTES:

Q. If you could live forever, would you and why?

A. "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,

because if we were supposed

to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,

which is why I would not live forever.

(Miss Alabama-1994)

"Whenever I watch T.V. and see those poor starving kids all over the world,

I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,

but not with all those flies and death and stuff"

(Mariah Carey)

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of life".

(Brooke Shields)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

(Winston Bennett)

"Outside of killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"

(Major Marion Barry)

"The lowdown scroundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,

and I'm just the one to do it"

(Congression candidate in Texas)

"Half this game is ninety per cent mental"

(Phillies manager Danny Ozark)

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.

It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it"

(Al Gore)

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix"

(Don Quale)

"We got to ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?"

(Lee Iacocca)

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people"

(Gerald Wellman-ROTC instructor)

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March because we received

notice that you passed away. May God bless you.

You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances"

(Dept. of Social Services-Greenville, S.C.)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"

(Keppel Enderberry)

"If someone has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed

and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.

And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record"

(Mark Fowler-FCC Chairman)

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football.

A genius is a guy like,

Norman Einstein"

(Joe Theisman-NFL Q.B.)

Some interesting statistics on exercise.

Walking can add minutes to your life. That enables you at

85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.

My grandfather started walking when he was 60; he is now 97 years old,

and we have no idea where the hell he is. Personally, I like long walks

especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I joined a health club. Cost me 600 bucks.

I haven't lost a pound; apparently you have to

actually go there. Every time I hear the word

exercise, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Every time I start thinking too much about

how I look, I just find a "Happy Hour",

and by the time I leave,

I look just fine.

A man came home from work and sat in his

favorite chair, turned on the T.V., and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer

before it starts". She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he

finished it, he said, "Quick bring me another beer; it's gonna' start".

This time she was a little angry, but brought him another beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick,

another beer before it starts".

"THAT'S IT! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,

don't even say hello to me and then expect me to

run around like your slave getting you beer

after beer. Don't you realize that I cook

and clean and wash and iron

all day long?"

The husband sighed and said, "Oh shit, it's started".

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pasttime-

bass fishing. I got my own fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she

never liked fishing. One day at the bait and tackle shop, I got to talking to Sam the

shop owner, who it turns out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We became great

fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses

to join us, but she also complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks

ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. We caught a pair of beautys. I took a

picture of Sam holding up the two fish and showed it to my wife hoping she would

change her mind and join us. Instead, now she doesn't even want me going fishing

any more and wants me to sell the boat. What should I do? Tell the wife to forget it

and continue my hobby, or sell the boat?

Thanks.

P.S. Have enclosed a picture of Sam with the two fish we caught.

Dear Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow-minded wife. Incidentally,

that's a nice pair of bass!

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil