Florida, NY

As Christmas is tomorrow I can't help but feel a little melancholy. My Mom died in February of this year and it will be the first without her. I am in no way trying to present myself as the best son in the world, but we seemed to have 'reconeccted' since she lived with us the last three years.

I can't help but think about all that she did. I would like to say 'well that's what you're supposed to do as a parent,' but my mother really went the extr mile. My father was stabbed to death in 1972 on the Washington Heights bridge, my Mom raised me all by herself, I did have a sister, but she was 19 years my elder, she never really lived with me while growing up, because she was estranged for a while.

My Mom worked at Isabella Nursing Home, she was a nurses aide; she was up at 4:40 AM EVERY morning, and back home around 5:00 PM, at which time she would cook for me; she barely had an elementary school education, but when she came to the US she went and became nurses aide, that was a different time, there still was job training and it wasn't necessary to go and get an Associate's Degree, yet alone a high school equivalency. Education was extremely important to her, by hook or by crook I HAD to go to college--which I did, although I was in the top 1% of my graduating class, I really had doubts I would get through college.

There was nothing I could ever want for. Many of my friends and relatives will say that I was 'spoiled,' I don't know how they can say that, I worked my but off. She did instill that in me--hell I had my paper route fro almost 10 years, I was in high school still delivering the new York Post! If I wanted something and I was a little short she always made up the difference, usually with some consternation, but she always gave in.

I saw how some of my other friend's lived and how less strict their parents were, I always was jealous of that, because my Mom was a little strict. But as I see how they turned out, my Mom did the right thing, that's all I will say about that.

So as I sit here on my couch next to the spot where she seemingly sat everyday for the last several years, I sit here with a heavy heart and wish that she was here right now.

SO at the end of July I went and saw the movie Larry Crowne, the movie wasn't great but what caught my eyes were the scooters! I WANT ONE! I got my motorcycle license back in 2004, sine then I have had two motorcycles for just about a year in total and probably less than 500 miles total.

I have been thinking about getting a scooter because quite frankly, they look cool. I really wanted a Vespa, because I listened to friends and reading up on the Internet I decided to get a Suzuki Burgman 400, it looks like a motorcycle, but it's actually a scooter!

I've been riding on and off for about a month and it's been a lot of fun. There' s a sense of freedom on the scooter, there's no shifting, just a lot of fun. I joined up with this group, The Backroads Scooter Club (www.brsc.com), sort of like a gang, but we ride scooters (not really as ominous as it sounds), great bunch of people. It seems that being a 'foodie' is a big part of riding as ALL of our rides involve a destination, usually a lunch, then dessert, then the ride home. The first day out I saw places in NYC that I have NEVER seen and I have lived here all my life--go figure!

So now that I am hooked, I am looking forward to my Vespa which I will purchase for next season. I am thoroughly enjoying my Burgman now and having a ton of fun. I would have put MORE miles on had I not been so off this summer, everyday I plan on going out to ride I feel like I am paralyzed in my house and can't go. I don't know when this feeling will go away, it is unsettling at times and quite annoying, hopefully I will work thru it and come out not too 'damaged.'

Well, my mother passed at 12:10 today, she went in her sleep and was comfortable. I knew she was going to go today, I went out to walk my little doggy and I just couldn't stop crying. I had already said my goodbyes to my mother two weeks ago and I was waiting for the inevitable. As I said I just couldn't stop crying, this was around 8:19 PM. Suddenly I just felt calm and everything was fine, but I also felt like I was just wandering around. She's gone now and she's comfortable, she's with my Dad, her mother and father, brother's and sisters, etc.

The last time this happened was when I was around 12 or 13, my mother sent me to Trinidad every summer to keep me out of trouble! There was one day in particular that I really wanted my mother and I was crying and crying that I wanted my Mom; mind you I am a 'momma's boy' but not to the extreme where I had to be around her every minute. But for some reason I felt that I had to see her right then and there.

Evidently, unbeknownst to me my mother was in the hospital that day having an elective procedure done. I don't even remember what it was as I was 12 or 13, but all of my family knew about it and didn't tell me. I never had that feeling again until tonight, but I didn't want to be around her, becuase I knew she had already left.

I am NOT one of those new age 'whackos' who believes in 'signs,' but I sure can't ignore the obvious. I will miss my mother very much, she will be the first dead person I will ever see--I don't know how I will handle it. I feel numb right now, and writing this feels cathartic, I thnk I am going to the office tomorrow because I need to stay busy to keep my mind off this.

I can't wait to get lambasted for even suggesting this, especially the one person who had slammed me on my previous post! You know what else also, it's funny how animals know about what is going on. I have two cats and a dog, the dog is usually hanging around me, but you know how cats are, they do their thing and come when they want to. This evening they all wouldn't leave my side, literally they were 'stuck' to me and wouldn't leave. As I write this my mother had a love-hate realtionship with all of my pets, one mnute she was fine, the next minute she was pushing them away. It was the funniest thing, all of them are small, so they wouldn just jump on her lap or walk across her, she was at an age where they were actually 'heavy,' so she would wince and complain when or if they walked across her.

Well, everyone should call their Mom or Dad and tell them they love them because one day they'll be gone!

Well, my 81 year old mother was taken to the hospital on Sunday night. I received a call and found out that she had several seizures and she was in critical condition, it isn't looking good. I am terrible at hospitals, I just feel uncomfortable and I just don't like being there. THe last several times she was at the hospital for a brief stay I didn't even go. Am I a bad person?

I love my mother to death--who doesn't love their mother! This is something I never expressed to her, we just were not the touchy feely type of family that did say those things, it was just understood. My father was stabbed crossing the Washington bridge when I was three, I never knew him so I never felt like I missed him. My mother was everything to me, she left our house in The Bronx at 5:00 PM everyday to go to her job in Washington Heights as a nurse's aide for almost 30 years! When I got my license it was my mother who bought me my 1978 Toyota Corona which I bitched about because IT WAS a 1978 Toyota Corona; it was years later I would realize, what did I have to complian about, MY MOM BOUGHT ME A CAR--my friends were walking! LOL

My mother had many trials and tribulations raising me, it wasn't easy, no matter how one may look at it. I won't go into any details, since if I did you may not consider working with me.

I spoke to the hospital this morning and my Mom is in even worse condition. She had a massive stroke and her kidney fuctions have shut down. She is unresponsive to their efforts and she is on a ventilator right now. My mother signed a health care proxy after an episode she had back in October, I am torn and confused. When we signed that I figured I would never have to use it, since my Mom is strong and she will live forever to 'torture' me--lol.

I have to make a decision today, am I to let her go or delay the inevitable. This is all I could think of the last several days and it pains me much. My mother always told me that when she dies she wants me to light the fire in her mouth (Hindus believe the soul is in the head, when you cremate you light the fire in the deceased persons mouth, it is pretty dramatice, the body is actually laid on top of a pyre and someone lights it). I always laughed at this and now I find myself preparing for it.

I plan on taking her body back to Trinidad, and cremating it there, although we have lived in the US for well over forty years, I feel kind of strange to bring her back there to cremate, BUT my mother lived in Trinidad for forty years and I feel that she would want to go back home. I am sure my mother would want to go home.